I don't care that I don't have a job or much money yet. I will not regret all the time I have spent with that little bundle of joy.

If only everyone could still see the world with such open and excited eyes. Every day is such a grand new adventure even if we're just walking a block for me to show him how to shoot hoops(which I'm terrible at) and he can pick flowers(weeds :-) ) for Nana.

He tells Mom and I we're pretty every day and wakes me up no later than 8AM to tell me I should be eating breakfast or simply to wish me a good morning and give me a hug.

I have 3 more weeks with him and that's still not enough. I am so proud of my sister for doing such an incredible job with her son and keeping her feet planted firmly as these past 3 years have tried to throw more at her than she should have been able to handle.

I see Grandma shine through him every single day. Mom is sad she can't be here, but really she never misses a second of that little boy's life.

Some days I wish I had a best friend.

I don't know, sometimes dead silence is music to my ears. Hearing crickets chirp is all too cliche for the whole situation, though.

Silence is no longer awkward between any of us. We've covered almost all that is out there so why force ourselves to talk about things which have no importance to us?

2 weeks or so from now I will be sad to see this weight on my head go. No more creepy guys checking me out in the car next to me or across from me in the aisle at Giant Eagle. I will miss the conversations I've had with strangers, really. I wish it occurred more often but I don't know if I can dedicate another 10 hours or so of my life again or find someone who can make them last this long.

2 months shouldn't really be too long. I'll snap my fingers and they'll be back. Also, it'll help me not get distracted in my job-hunting. Yuck, I just can't see myself in it anymore.

I love Noa(h).

I am beginning to tire of hearing the same old phrases from loved ones around me. I bet some are smiling inside because they're proud of me and think I planned to let myself be alone for this long. No, they're not even smiling on the inside. It's pretty damn apparent.

Well, that's great and wonderful that I made you happy, because it hasn't been a fun trail for myself.

There are some days I'm actually happy things have turned out the way they have, especially when I am able to see how unhappy many are with what should be a blessing in their lives. It is, generally, of course, the age we are all at. You don't have to tell me twice or twenty times for that matter that it won't last in high school. I did witness it many times, I completely understand.

This all still does not make me feel any happier. Everyone craves it.

My heart is becoming so lost in my thoughts that I can't even think straight lately. I find myself getting completely covered in feelings I haven't even come near before. I am trying to keep my hope alive for the coming months and next 4 years. I can't deny the fact that I'm scared. It's not a lack of confidence at all. I have every right to set my standards so high, and over the past 4 years they have risen to the point of scaring me into thinking he's just not possible. I accept flaws 100%, I am not shallow. This is not the case.

I have had plenty of time to understand and get to know myself. In fact, I am beginning to worry for some friends who haven't given themself this time. But, maybe I know myself too well. It probably is too well...it would explain a lot about my personality.

As I pick up on all the reasons I am so nervous or uptight, it kills me. What did I do wrong along the way that allowed me to become so stressed? My life is absolutely fine and I know I have accepted that, so what is troubling me?

Aye.

I want to submerge myself in a field of wonderfully rare wildflowers and disappear for at least a week. I anticipate my vacation like mad...just hoping it will be a real vacation unlike two years ago.

If I could just give myself some clear faith that this Fall holds something incredible for me, I will be calm. Okay, I know...brainwash me if you have to. Everyone's already been telling me the same thing.

If only I wasn't so wishy-washy...

signed,
Charlie Brown

In sickness...in health..life's not all so bad.

I love the small percentage of beauty left in the world.

Why do you feel the worst on the days when you have to talk to/entertain a million different people?

All I want to do is be alone today.