2 months or less ago, life was plain old and simple life. I had routine, I had good friends, I was what I thought was "myself".

Now, especially in this past month, my life has turned into something which is beyond me. I am no longer awake...or what I thought was awake. In fact, I'm not sure of a lot of things at the moment as hard as I'm trying to be. It's a real shame...

"...Forehead pressed against the glass, I shut my eyes and waited. At last, Midori's quiet voice broke the silence: 'Where are you now?'
Where was I now?
Gripping the receiver, I raised my head and turned to see what lay beyond the telephone booth. Where was I now? I had no idea. No idea at all. Where was this place? All that flashed into my eyes were countless shapes of people walking by to nowhere. Again and again, I called out for Midori from the dead center of this place that was no place."
-Norwegian Wood (again)

"So if you understand me better, what then?"
"You don't get it, do you?" I said. "It's not a question of 'what then'. Some people get a kick out of reading railroad timetables and that's all they do all day. Some people make huge model boats out of matchsticks. So what's wrong if there happens to be one guy in the world who enjoys trying to understand you?"
"Kind of like a hobby?" she said, amused.
"Sure, I guess you could call it a hobby. Most normal people would call it a friendship or love or something, but if you want to call it a hobby, that's O.K., too."
-Norwegian Wood by: Haruki Murakami

But pain and hurt isn't what I want...I could scream it at the top of my lungs and it wouldn't matter because my subconscious always takes control. Emotions and logic..emotions and logic....
my emotions>my logic...

Christmas Eve....(I counted my scarves)

Christmas morning...(Mom's breakfast)

Christmas gift...(Lyn gave it to me)

Day after Christmas...(pedicure!)
Gifts for mom...

Fin.

Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!

I am NOT sorry for once in my life! I am me and there is no reason why I should apologize for being me to anyone!

This is it. Ana will NOT be stepped all over, anymore.

I'm shifting into cruise control.

I'm here. You're there. She's over here. He's over there. Everyone's everywhere but we are all not together. We never will all be together, be it in life or in death. At least, that's how it seems for me these days.

Guilt. I was talking with one of my friends about religion for a long time the other night and I started discovering how confused I am. But, I guess guilt really isn't the right word, is it? I'm allowed to feel this way. I have a lot of pent up anger though.

Relationships. My relationships are so interesting. Each one of my friends, family members, or acquaintances has a different relationship with me. I try to be myself around all of them, but it is stifled around a select few. I don't like being stifled. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be outdoors. I want to celebrate my life. I don't want to sit around bullshitting/talking badly about people (some of which I don't even know). That is not who I am. Have I made myself clear enough on that? I'm a worry-wart, also. I care about people who I have these relationships with more than one can even begin to fathom. I am awkward at times with how I handle showing it. Lately, one of my close friends who really made me happy even by him just walking into a room has seemingly snapped at me. I am embarrassed, frightened, and saddened because he is by far one of the most interesting people I know and he is very dear to me. I try to do my best to show to people on a daily basis how much I love them, but this is one case I am not sure how to handle.

Conversations with substance. Why aren't there enough of these in our lives? I suppose it is so we can appreciate them when they do come along. Seriously, though, it is the most refreshing feeling ever. The other night, after my 3 days in a row of Ms practices, being able to just talk and not hold back even one thought was exactly what I needed. I really truly believe that as long as you have at least one person in your life who you can have these conversations with, you have everything in the world to live for. Not only are they listening, but you're 100% positive they are taking in your thoughts and responding with their own related thoughts.

Dating/Love Relationships. I am ready for this. I don't need to sit around and make out or have my personal space disrespected. I want to go out to dinner and talk. I want to enjoy being around him no matter what we're doing. I have spent so much time with so much built up angst towards dating and boys, I need change. I know I have been saying this a lot, but I am freaking 18 years old. I think I should be allowed to go on dates and enjoy myself. I don't need labels or anyone to even know if we're enjoying our time together. I just want to be around him and not have to worry or stress about anything in my life for once. I thought I had discovered that feeling in my life a few weeks ago, but it's pretty rocky in that area at the moment....

Christmas. Too much damn money! I didn't buy or really make anything for anyone this year. I ended up feeling badly because a lot of people got me nice things. I shouldn't be feeling guilty or badly, though. I should be happy, shouldn't I? I dreamed that you came home for Christmas, Erin. You surprised me and I was so happy until I woke up. Don't get me wrong, it was still a great Christmas I guess. Things aren't at all the same anymore. I wish I could lock myself in my room away from any Christmas ads for the whole month of November and December. (sometimes even October these days) I am glad that we all got along today.

Hope everyone's holiday season was/is enjoyable, regardless.

Christmas...

So, my first official three days of winter break were spent with Ms people, bruising up my legs and buffing myself up. I could have done without certain things occurring in the past few days, but I can't turn back time.
Be glad I didn't show you what it looks like under the bandage. Ick. But, I'm proud of my battle wounds.

I'm still not tired of the music or anything yet, surprisingly enough. I also am in the habit of doing crunches before bed every night and push ups. I'm going to be a beast quite soon. Deep down inside I'm really enjoying Ms. I'll admit it.

My potluck dinner was quite a success even if there were quite a lot of leftovers. I found out there is one video game I can dominate. (Karaoke Superstar)

As I was sitting in church this morning watching the baptisms, I could have cried. The little children couldn't have been more precious and the families all looked so happy and blessed. So, I guess I'm excited for Christmas even if it isn't going to be the same without either of my sisters.

I wonder when I'm going to be "arrested" for all the music I have illegally downloaded on my iTunes.

There is one other thing that would have been nice for Christmas, but I feel that joy may have been stolen from me. Oh well, maybe in college?

I don't know if I can ever give my heart to anyone, now.

What was I thinking? They always hurt me, without fail.

I guess I'm destined to become asexual.

Catching up on sleep is a bitch. Heating pads are amazing....so are the dandy warhols.

I could care less about the Christmas aspect of winter break, I just want to make the most of it. I'm brewing up ideas for day trips to Cleveland. :-)

I never thought I'd be dancing ever again in my life, but I am. I also am planning on making a list of goals for my future. First of all, I plan on taking up hammered dulcimer, and I am going to take a million different dance classes wherever I can find. I already have to learn tap for Ms. I'm really excited. Although this weekend surely kicked my ass, I know we are going to be one hot show choir. Yeeeehaww, I have three 12 hour practices on Thursday, Friday and Saturday of this week.

I feel really scatter-brained today, but at least I know Kent accepted me so I can start getting everything set there. Mr. Duvall was so incredibly excited when I told him I'd be joining the Gospel Choir next year. That is going to be so amazing!!

On a very good note, I realized today that I am happy. I'm not in any rut right now as I had been. Ever since I crashed my father's car, it was a definite wake up call and especially with my parents. Although things still aren't perfect, it's getting a lot better.

I hope you haven't forgotten how happy you make me. In fact, do you even realize?

All I want for christmas.....





.......but I can't have it.

I just got my acceptance letter from Kent. I ache in every part of my body except the tips of my fingers, my nose, and my ear drums. I am setting myself up for disaster by signing up for early bird calc. I am excited for the Literary Magazine. I don't have any cavities. I just spent the past 2 days with extremely straight hair. I am going to take up yoga again asap. I am dehydrated. I couldn't bowl to save my life. Errr...But life is preeetty swell.

Today....My most favorite human being in the world turns 3!!! :-)

!!!!!!

Guess what, world?! I'm living! I'm breathing! I can feel! I am happy!-and it's all your fault, world! In the wise words of my sister;
"giddy up".

This past summer I had some revelations about my life and where it was going. I realized how much time I wasted last year believing ridiculous comments about people I had never given a chance. There was so much more I could have been doing last year-so many people right in front of me.

I am so glad that I realized this, because from this, I have met and gotten to know some of the people I hadn't given that chance. They weren't anything at all how they had been described. There are so many nice, interesting, and caring people out there that I was completely oblivious too.

I have never felt so happy to be surrounded by these people and I'm starting to see more and more (as I have seen a lot through high school) who my actual friends are. The ones who don't talk down my other friends even if they don't necessarily like them-there they are. How about being able to appreciate your friends and showing it? How about being honest and not making me feel like I don't know what pain or sadness feels like? How dare someone ever make someone feel that way. I don't care who it is, you name it-they've experienced probably the same amount of pain, just maybe not in the same way. There is no more cruel thing to do than to single yourself out as the only one going through "this".

I am living my life and you can't stop me. I won't let anyone knock me around this way anymore. I realized I don't know some people anymore...Who are you?

Oh and I have one last word...

Selfish.

Coffee and tea are crazy. I find they are a way for anyone to take time out of their day to just sit back and take a breather. I think the most when I drink hot coffee or tea. I only just realized this today because I'm trying to test out coffees from different places since Starbucks is out of the question for me now. Starbucks' actual coffee really wasn't all that good anyway. Nothing compares to Barnee's or the coffee Erin brought us back from the DR. I'm not even usually a big coffee drinker because it's generally too thick of a taste for me-I like how easy tea goes down.

Life is good, today. It's nice to look around and still appreciate your day even when the ground is covered in this cold slushy mess of white, grey, and brown.

Yesterday was a fine day...I love being myself 24/7 and not holding back from saying what I want. I don't have to worry about someone making fun of me or asking me why I said or did something.

I'm finding out more and more that I missed out on so much as a child as far as little games go. The way my friends around here grew up was quite different due to the change of seasons. I'm glad that even though I'm technically an "adult" (legally) I am trying it all now. I'm digging inside of me for that carefree state of mind.



So, my advice is this; Live! Get up, first of all, and scream. Scream and make strange noises and be silly! Don't worry what anyone thinks, do it! Turn up your music really loud and dance by yourself. Embrace your guilty pleasures, such as myself with rap, and don't be embarrassed. Take a deep breath and in that breath take in all that you love and let out all that has troubled you lately. Scream or make a ridiculous noise again. Dance like my mother is doing in the kitchen right now in front of her kitchen aid mixer. BAKE COOKIES! Bake lots of cookies!!! Don't stress about Christmas! Enjoy the time you have spending with everyone. Sing!!!!! Don't carry around your baggage all of the time...Set it down and rest a while, maybe you could even give some away.

I like you, damnit!

I don't even care if the feeling's mutual anymore.

"i told you then that i would never leave you
and i told you that i'd loved you from the start
even though you haven't any answers
you still think that you don't need anyone
to save you from the mess that you've created..."

Contrary to what you think, you don't know me.

^^ Ah. The culprits of the crime. If only the traction had been better my foot probably wouldn't have slipped...

Why sleep in my own bed when the guest bedroom is so much more comfy? My room never feels "roomy".

Life is strange...but a good kind of strange. I like it.

Everyday I am able to sit back and count my blessings...especially the friends part.

I miss you, Erin.

Mom says I've got a "good eye" for a lot of things. :-)

There's only one instant, and it's right now. And it's eternity.

I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive.

Okay, I get the message. I'm blessed, I'm loved, I'm cared about...my parents really care about my safety, not material things. My friends are the most supportive people in the world. They are amazing. It could have been worse. But, I know tonight was a sign. I'm shaking all over more than anyone could know. I don't even know if I can sleep. I wish I could have recorded the past 2 hours for everyone to see what just happened. I didn't know my wake-up call was going to be so costly, though.

This past week I have felt some strange things and thought some negative thoughts, but it's so much clearer now....so INCREDIBLY clear.

The whole thing won't stop replaying in my head, but there's a deleted scene where the answer is to how it even happened.

Our lazy susan is cracking down the middle, my home is becoming a tea emporium, I've got 2+ cavities in my mouth right now, I'm wishing I never signed up for AP Calc, boys are confusing me, I'm constantly laughing at how ridiculous people's behaviour in symphonic band is, I've confessed my secret love for rap music, I'm creating my own flavours of tea by mixing teabags, I can't get enough of seeing my friends, my parents are not keen on any of my plans for college these days-speaking of I really want to apply to Goshen, I'm communicating through a webcam with my sister and it's awfully strange, I am constantly speaking without thinking, I can't stay in school mode for more than 10-15 minutes each period, I haven't been awake enough to double-tongue in band all week, I've been taking advantage of Kelly Clarkson to extend my vocal range, I cannot stop speaking in foreign accents anymore, I am really scared of gaining weight this winter, Ms is taking over my life, I'm seeing things I never saw before in life, my senses have been extra sharp lately-I can't stop smelling things especially!, I want a soulful gospel voice, I'm wishing my life had an electronica soundtrack always playing, I'm feeling guilty, I haven't been able to handle loud noises much lately, I'm becoming addicted to talking about anything but everyday conversation, I've been ridiculously open with people, I feel love in a strange way, I fear my absent-minded tendencies, I'm angry with my lack of consistency on one tense throughout this entry, and I wish my eyes had been cameras for the past month.

My secret is that I've been using postsecret.com and veryliberating.com A LOT lately.

I'm finding the most dangerous place for me to be right now is alone in my car. Or just really alone in general?

....

You're okay to me. You're human and nothing you say is going to push me away or weird me out. Don't apologize for being human. Any time you need to vent I will be right here.

I dreamt last night that I couldn't sleep. None of my dreams made any sense whatsoever except maybe when I drove 50 in a 35 by a police car...I wonder if that's symbolic of how I need to take more risks. I couldn't tell you.

Why do I worry so much? I spent so much time stressing yesterday and making myself feel miserable. I really need to cure myself of this. In the past few weeks my eyes have been opened to something. I am finding out who I can keep closest to me. I am discovering who will not judge me or question me for anything that comes out of my mouth. It's a really incredible and comfortable feeling.

I know it's terrible...but I wish my parents would take a vacation...not only for my own sake but for theirs too. They need to spend a week together without me around. I'm only making things worse. I realized yesterday while they were out how much I need alone time. Now that my mom isn't working she is constantly obsessing over everything I say and every face I make. I feel like big brother is always watching me.

Katherine got me a book that gives me something to do to make my life more hilarious for 365 days and I plan on attempting to do every single one. Today was called a "warm-up" so it gave me lots of options like telling someone my middle name or bookmarking a new website or saying "yo" instead of "hello". I chose to figure out which one of my toes is the prettiest. It was tough, because I'm not a huge fan of my feet.

"Sometimes ana, its much more comforting to watch the snow fall than it is to be out there in it.. "

I have no idea what each new day will bring for me anymore....One day life makes sense and I feel I have so much to live for and the next I wake up feeling like things couldn't be worse.

Today made sense. I didn't think it would at first. I felt such a pang in my stomach and terrible knots throughout my body. Mom said I looked so incredibly sad...she was worried for me.

I can't even begin to explain what's going on in my head or in my life. He makes me really happy, and I don't need a label on it to make things better than they already are. I have not felt so open around a guy as I do around him. I just want to take life as it comes and be able to wake up and smell the coffee on a daily basis.

I know that pain is necessary in life. I completely understand this. But, butterflies are nice sometimes. Even if, by high school standards, things have not gone far enough, I could care less.

I am continually amazed. I'm also on my last straw with some people. We're almost all adults now. I am over this bullshit of some people being my friend one day and the next assuming the world is against them-including me. I had been blind for so long to so much....and now that my eyes are opening my mind isn't even sure it can handle it. Life is so much more exciting than I had ever imagined.

You can't beat me. You can't push me around anymore. I've had enough. I've spent my whole life putting up with more than I really should and it's time for a change.

Newsflash: The world isn't against you, nor will it ever be. Also, we've all taken life's knocks. Never ever assume that "no one understands".

I really wasn't expecting it...as much as I had hoped you'd say it. But, I still really need to talk to you. I am not going to let go of you, I promise. I hope you can see that.

All I ask for is prayer or something.

I can't even put into words how I'm feeling. I just know that the people that surrounded me this weekend are so incredibly important to me. I have never smiled so big or laughed so hard...I'm not faking this feeling at all. It's real...it's where my life should be going. Aside from my mom stomping on my feelings with her news that she realized she shouldn't have married my dad or the fact that I'm getting a stupid curfew again because of this weekend. I hate to say it...but I didn't want to go home last night or leave anyone. I wish I had the freedom to fall asleep on whatever couch I liked on whoever's house and just be happy. I feel like right as I would get comfortable last night my parents would rip this feeling to shreds. I'm 18, now. I've never drank. I've never smoked. I've never even really been in a very long relationship with a guy. I don't do hardly anything spontaneous...so I guess it's too late now, in their eyes.

I couldn't have asked for a better weekend, honestly. The Museum was wonderful, the food was AMAZING of course, I got to sing well-known songs while walking down Lee Rd, I got an aaamaazing sundae to share with two wooonderful people, and we even got back to the L couch and put some orville redenbaucher out for effect.

Unfortunately, my home right now could not have more bad vibes and angry looks from my mom.

Strangely enough...with each day I feel more and more like Andrew Largeman. Yesterday felt like some scene out of a movie....unreal. I want to shout it out to the world that I am HAPPY...truly happy. Do you hear that?

I have never known this feeling before....but I like it. Can I keep it?

The forecast for today was....

Clear skies...all the way. There was a chance of rain, but it never came. :-)

Thanks.



"We live in a beautiful world, yeah we do....yeah we do."

The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive....when really you're asleep in life's waiting room.

Today from Ana's subconscious...

Where is life taking me? Did I make the right decisions today? Should I have said something instead of biting my tongue or did I say the wrong thing? Did I choose the wrong paths? Did I take on my day with the right attitude? Did I make my mom proud today?

Are these all the right people?-Are they all in my life for a specific reason or purpose? What will I learn from them? Do they really like me? Slow down Slow down....The world keeps spinning faster and faster and I can't slow it down like I thought I could as a child. I'm 18...was I ready to turn 18? Should I be acting more mature? Am I too uptight?-Should I loosen up? Am I too weird for you? Do I make any sense?

Who am I? I want to know what my purpose is...everyday this feeling grows stronger.

Is there a God? If so, am I destined for heaven or hell? Can my deceased relatives watch my every move, every mistake, every word that comes from my mouth, every thought that crosses my mind? If so, I want to tell them I am sorry.

Am I writing too much or talking too much? Is this a bad thing? Should I be leaving home next year instead of sticking around? What's in store for me? Is he around me? You know...the one I'm supposed to share my life with.

Should I even get married? Is it worth it considering the divorce rate? Who can I trust?

Leave me alone...no no..don't..Are you even listening to me? Please don't let me lose you. Where are you? I can't find you and I'm scared. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't function normally....at all. I hope I never hurt you in any way. You're so confusing. Why must you do this to me? Just tell me what's going on.

Everything is foggy today. Please promise me clear skies for tomorrow.

My emotions have been put on stir in a blender and I have no idea what I'm going to feel next. So much of me is happy, but so much is still causing me to not eat. I guess when one individual somehow brings you so much joy, that could be it. But, somehow, though I thought I knew myself, this is one instance that I really don't. I'm frightened of that because I normally know exactly why I'm feeling a certain way deep down. It could be the worry within me that maybe I should give up again...but why give up? This is the thought that goes through my head all day back and forth....back and forth...over and over and over and over until I'm so confused I feel nauseous. I literally felt nauseous when I came home from school today. I have been let down over and over again...I just can't do it again. Things are alright currently, though. It's how it should be but I guess looking into the future makes me sad. I don't even want to ask my friends where they're applying to college because I don't want to know how far away I will be from them for the majority of the year. I can't stand it. I almost cried today in A Cappella when Kat was talking about going to school in Boston. I like it here, sadly enough. I like seeing these people on a regular basis. I love singing with these people and laughing and crying and feeling with these people.

It took me a long time but I finally have a complete group of friends that understand me and accept me for who I am. I make mistakes...a lot. I am awkward about a lot of things and I'm clumsy. I will never be good with words or able to say exactly what I want to. I'm so stubborn it drives people mad. I share a love-hate relationship with change. I started off high school feeling so upset that my thoughts were so far ahead of myself and now I both wish and don't wish that it was different. I wish I had met certain people sooner to share my life with, but I suppose it was still a good experience. I find myself having the best conversations with people as of late and I wish I could bottle these conversations. I want to take them out whenever I need a reminder that there are still wonderful people in the world who care and understand. I also want to bottle their hugs, as dumb as that sounds. I can't stand it that I'm one of the very few who is settling for school nearby. I just don't feel it is my time. But, now that I may have been able to find someone here...I fear losing him to some far-away school. Why can't I just live for the moment? I struggle with this immensely.

I want to spend every weekend for the rest of my life with people who see the world through such incredible eyes. People who thrive on adventure and trying new things. I want to discover everything there is to see and do. Please let time slow down...for once.

I like the way you see the world. I like the way you don't make me feel stupid for the fact I can't always speak English. I like the way you always know what to say to make me smile. I like how you hear music. I like it when you sing. I like the sound of your laugh. I like how our conversations go. I like how we're not perfect....and it shows.

This isn't necessarily directed at one person..or is it?....take it however you want...but I had to say it.

I have never felt so bad ass in my life. I did it...I really did it.

It's such an incredible feeling to know this is going to stay on my skin until I die. It's all for you, Grandma.

Yesterday was such a wonderful day. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

PS my appetite is mostly back....for more reasons than one. :-)

Stuck...deep

Things aren't right. I can't directly pinpoint it but ever since yesterday morning I haven't felt myself.

I feel like someone took a vacuum to my soul and sucked me out of there. I know that sounds a tad bit dramatic. But...I'm sort of confused.

I have had a huge loss of appetite which is really rare for me because I adore food more than anyone. I usually eat more when I'm upset or stressed. Each time I take a bite out of something I regret taking that bite. My taste buds aren't even working correctly...everything tastes bland.

I may know two reasons why I'm feeling like this, but it seems a little extreme for the reasons.

For one thing, Noah left today with my mom. I get to spend the next week with my father who I hardly know. I want Noah back already.

Secondly...boys. I'm ready to get out of this rut of being alone. I'm so scared to even try anymore though. I have someone in mind, but I feel like he'd never see me that way no matter what. Lately it has seemed different though so I gathered up some hope. I just don't know why it's bothering me so much. I wish I'd just get over him and move on. I can't help it when it just seems to make sense....he and I that is. Whatever, I'm tired of writing crap tonight.

I feel like Andrew Largeman...I want to stand on top of a bulldozer wearing a trash bag in the rain and yell profanities like "fuck" and "shit"

I deem this day "stupid".

But, I do think I'm going to get a tattoo this weekend because seriously, why not? It's about time.

What a beaut of a day....here are some messages I received

jsock3607: thats smart

Auto response from alonedownThere88: robbing a bank, vandalizing property, staying out way past curfew, burning buildings, screaming profanity at cops, and other illegal doings

jsock3607: i wish i wouldve done that
jsock3607: now ill just get in deep shit
jsock3607: wait are you doing any drugs?
-
Lives2Tapdance: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANA SIGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Auto response from alonedownThere88: voting. depositing checks. withdrawing money. grocery stoooore!!!!!!!!! cooooooking!!!! birthday celebración!
-
leavesandkings: your birthday is a MAGICAL day. britney and kevin are getting a divorce. all is right in the world!!!!

Auto response from alonedownThere88: yehawww partaaay call my house if you have any questions...brrriiiing movies!
-
TheStrood: I was going to call you and leave a happy birthday voicemail, but I lost your cell #. therefore, here we go. HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneone

Auto response from alonedownThere88: voting. depositing checks. withdrawing money. grocery stoooore!!!!!!!!! cooooooking!!!! birthday celebración!


I got to see almost all of my favorite people in one day, I received your beaaaauuuutiful flowers, erin! aaand I voted and so much more. "Yehaw!"

"i won't see you anymore..."-noah

Well...Noah's leaving on Thursday morning and with the way my schedule is these next 3 days will fly. I hate how each time I have no idea how long it could be. I wish he lived in the same town so I could just stop by whenever to see him or babysit him whenever I want.

Children are so incredible. He has opened my eyes in so many ways this past month to things I had forgotten about life. It's pretty fitting before I turn 18 to be able to see the world through a child's eyes right beforehand. I told my mom flatout today that I don't even want to turn 18. Is that terrible that I don't want to put it all behind me and take on the responsibilities of an adult so soon in the future?

I'm excited to vote, definitely...but so many other things to not look forward to.

I wish I was turning 3 years old like Noah.

I realize I have still so much more time to live and learn and enjoy my surroundings...but it scares me that time has passed so quickly.

I'm so glad I was raised to be a nice person. And thank God for all the other nice people I know.

How can people throw around the word hate so much as if it's nothing? Give them a chance.

band banquet

cutest girls....ever.

Love, love, love

There is so much to love!

I love polenta(or placenta...for erin..ew), george winston, chocolate chocolate and more chocolate, rolling around in the my backyard with noah, stumbleupon.com, eating my grandpa's homemade chili, harmonizing with mom, singing the entire hallelujah chorus through the halls of cuyahoga falls high school with the a cappella kids, playing heart and soul on the piano, scott joplin's rags, the fact my dad stays up to date with the soap opera "General Hospital", turning the bass up in the car simply to see if anyone notices what i'm listening to, seeing the sunshine pour over the riverfront on the way to school (it actually is really beautiful), cheese-ALL sorts of cheeses mmm, Mr. Thomas (aka smiley sub), showing my friends home movies, speaking in nonsense (my band bus kids know...), toy pianos, looking through old photos, exploring new places, someone making me laugh when i'm crying, staring at the moon and knowing it's the same moon both my sisters sleep under, learning something new everyday, waking up to the sun pouring into my room, watching thunderstorms, sega genesis, Disney World, the millions of the facial expressions noah makes when he's waking up from a nap, Ms warm-ups, Charlie Brown, Rocko's Modern Life, extremely intelligent boys, memories, talking, a good cry, using my imagination, drawing flowers, Rick Moranis, life lessons, the fact that my childhood consisted mostly of making awesome radio stations with Nathan Robinson, my curly hair/curly hair in general, techno, Joni Mitchell, trying new kinds of food, colour!, singing as often as possible, and lastly looking back and not regretting a thing about my life.

I love my friends, every SINGLE one of them.

If I was to lose even one of you, my world would end.

You all complete me.

I'm so glad you're in my life. ALL of you.

Well, this weekend has been up and down to the maaax. But, mostly excellent!

The last football game left me speechless. I know it sounds geeky but it was seriously the coolest ending to my 4 years of dedication to that band. Marching around in the dark on an extremely muddy field without tripping??-It's got to be a first for my graceful self. I'll admit, I cried. Well, twice...once out of anger and once of astonishment. The astonishment was people pulling up their cars to the fence and turning on their headlights and parents taking pictures just to get a little light on the field or the guy with the little tiny flashlight. :-) Our band means a lot to this little city and I'm glad I was a part of it.

I took the ACT yesterday morning, obviously. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. I honestly think I maybe got a 24 or 25, which isn't much of an improvement. The dim lighting in there is what really got me. It made me so tired. Blech.

My evening was pretty good though. I headed over to Steven's and witnessed the coolest version of pong ever, played some excellent games of egyptian ratscrew and BS...though I am terrible at lying, many episodes of most extreme elimination etc.

I'm kinda mad at myself though because I had planned to go over to Ryan's around 9:45-10ish but it didn't work out. Erin Childers called up Laura offering her 5 tickets to Carnival of Horrors and I somehow got talked into going though I repeatedly declined. It was my first haunted house experience so I was nervous. Jeez, I just can't believe people pay money to get stressed out. I'm still tense. It was alright though at the end when I just stared and waved at some clown with a chainsaw about to come after me. I felt good about that.

Today, I didn't sleep in because my dad and Noah tend to yell when they're talking in the morning. I really wish I could sleep in. But, I did get iTunes back!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. It's the new version even and it's so nice to be able to listen to music right now.

We went out to my grandpa's to go trick or treating. I decided this has to be my last year since I've got a week left of being a minor. It was sort of a sad realization. But, walking around in my rubik's cube costume was a hoot...minus almost falling over due to my box collapsing on me loads.

The End

Last football game tonight. I'm not ready.

There goes another chapter of my life.

Oh, and I'm allergic to Herbal Essences products. I knew it already, but I'm stubborn and still try to use them. I get an allergic reaction every single time.

I hope you're reading these, Erin. I miss you.

"I can't do it...I can't do it..you help me"-Noah

The words coming out of that 2 year old's mouth couldn't be more fitting for me right now.

2 weeks until the big 18. I promised myself this year that I would start acting more like an adult and handling life like one. But, I'm guilty of not being able to stand up for myself.

Something my parents let happen from a young age is not letting me do as much on my own. I'm the baby and I liked it to stay that way.

I hate failure, just like any other normal human being. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I hate opening up a test that a teacher puts face down on my desk to reveal that even with a curve I still received a 39%. I hate even more to look around me and to see As, Bs, and high Cs. I hate that I don't even know what to say to Mr. Kern. I'm so embarassed. But, I've never been a pro at test-taking.

This Saturday I'm taking the ACT again with hopes that I can improve my score. I don't need anyone turning the knife a little deeper with their beautiful SAT and ACT scores or the fact they got some award for their GPA or making NHS or hell even qualifying for it.

Where did I go wrong? I used to be a part of that. I used to be the one people came to saying "You're smart, you'll know this." If anyone says it now I always make a sarcastic remark. Is this because I doubt my intelligence now?

...Yeah.

I doubt my ability to do lots of things. I'm getting better, though. Last year I was starting to lose my ability to even just function as a normal person and have a normal conversation with someone. I couldn't remember the names to common everyday items or any decent vocabulary. The more I doubted myself, the more I became the person I thought I was.

It frightens me so that I have the power to destroy myself so easily.

Before I help the rest of the world, I need to help myself. I need to do it. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my dog, not my friends, not my teachers, not my youth pastor, but maybe a higher being. I don't know. I'm young, and I'm pretty confused.

I believe in God. I'm serious. I really truly and full-heartedly believe in God. I believe in him more and more everyday.

I said this prayer last night basically saying...."Hey. God. Um. Hi. I'm sorry. I need your help. I'm serious this time, really. You've got to help me out with my confidence in my appearance and basically all that I do. Now I know that I should be handling this, but I'm not too good at it."
etc etc etc

And, um...yeah it was answered. He heard me.

Not only did I generally feel different today, I felt motivated to start doing research to find out what branch of social work I'm after. I think I found it. I want to work with welfare children and generally families that need some help in starting over on the right foot. My mom is nervous about it, but any type is going to be emotional and any type will cause me to see some really painful things. But, honestly, when I read it, I knew that was the right one.

Amen.

Today, strangely enough, in Staples, I figured it out.

He's out there.

Thank God.

Why am I not satisfied with any amount of time I get to spend with people? I feel like the 2 months or less I saw Erin, didn't suffice. I already feel like Noah's time with us is breezing by so quickly.

It is going to be so much harder to say goodbye this time. I mean, the attention I get from that little ball of sunshine always makes my day.

When do I ever feel completely healthy? Why is it that those spurts of complete happiness and ease only last a night or a few hours?

I don't know why I feel like my birthday is such a big deal to me this year. Well, I guess it's because I turn 18, but I really would like someone to at least sing to me ON my birthday unlike last year. I don't know, I'm sort of geeky about birthdays...they're a pretty big deal to me.

I miss my friends who are now away at College. I miss having Sarah Morgan around to give me big hugs and not care if I say or do anything stupid. I miss going to the Nat with Katherine and talking about Duvall playing b-ball like a pro and little bouncy asian man. I miss Ian Stroud yelling "Ana(l)" everywhere I go. I miss the "senior" guys from last year a lot at church. It's just so blahh this year. I don't want to sing the music because I'm spoiled by A Cappella. I also can't stand the fact of how short a fuse Brian constantly has with the kids. He never warms us up and no wonder we sound so terrible. I hate how he depends on me to always do these flute solos. I don't have a lot of time to be working on that stuff.

Well, I've been striving recently to break out of my childish habits before I turn 18, but honestly I think this might make it a lot worse. I'll be so sad that I have to change my ways after that date since that's what I was setting myself up for. But, I'll probably still get excitement over my mom buying me a Kid's Cuisine or waving at mascots or balloons or juice or just in general dancing around my family room with by far the craziest moves ever-which I have been doing since I started to walk. :-) Man, I'm glad I got this life for reasons such as that. I wish I could explain in actual words why that makes me smile, but eh.

You know what, and I could cry thinking of all the people I would have never met if we never came up here 7 years ago. My life would have been so completely different. I would have been completely different. Sure, I have had some bad experiences with people here, but I sure was able to find myself eventually. I'm still getting there. I think last year must have been an awkward/in between year for me because I spent so much time complaining, stressing, tensing, crying, and losing my mind unsure of what my purpose even was. I started to doubt if I was really of any use for anyone because I was feeling so dumbed down and boring. It was a definite low compared to how happy I was during sophomore year.

I am so glad I had this summer to pick me back up. If I didn't have movie night each week to look forward to I think it would have been a completely different summer.

I have to admit, I could use still a little more confidence in my presence. I need to be careful not to jump into that rut because no one likes one of thooose.

Aaaaand...

Fin.

If you have to ask...you'll never know...

So...I love bread. This is one thing you ought to know about me. I love all kinds of bread and I could eat break for breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday...all of the days!-and I'd be completely content. I mean, who cares about carbs? I sure don't!

I also lately have been in love with scents...the sorts of scents that tickle my nose and wake up my senses. I think scents are so cool. The way they put pictures or memories into my brain and make me smile or cry. For example, there are lots of perfumes that remind me of my sisters...and lately the scent lavender always reminds me of Erin because of her infatuation with the scent. :-)

I realized I have a habit of not allowing myself to leave the house unless I'm presentable, or decently dressed at the minimum...I feel like on a daily basis-it could always be the day that I meet someone extremely important so I've got to give off a good first impression. I used to hate dressing up but anymore I love it. I enjoy being a girl as cliche as that sounds...

Watching Justin Walsh's procession today was one of the most emotional things I've witnessed in a long while. It left me feeling lethargic for the rest of the day.

Life is a strange thing.

And so it begins...

With each new day, I have an even firmer belief that everything happens for a reason.

It is absolutely ideal timing that we would be reading a book such as 'The Awakening' right now or that I just finished 'The Solitaire Mystery'...I feel as if I'm having a a sort of "awakening" myself at this point in my life.

Having Noah home right now is opening my eyes to see the world through such a new light. The little things he says, I feel as if I was most assuredly meant to hear these words. When I walk in the door, he is always excited to see me. That little face running at full speed just to give me a great big hug and grab my hand to play. It breaks my heart that in this time that he is home, I have so many obligations that keep me away from him so constantly. I hate it.

My feelings on homecoming are so incredibly mixed. I want so badly to tell everyone it was great, because I feel like I talked it up to myself. It wasn't what I wanted it to be. Nothing incredible at all. Watching all of these couples and the PDA...ehh...I could have done without it. I am so incredibly frustrated with this high school. I need to find some place, some area, where I feel like there is someone waiting for me. My friends tell me they know I will marry someone extremely unique and unlike anyone would ever know....

I wish I could see that. I wish he'd show up sooner than later. Yeah, it would be nice. Granted, I love not having to worry about a relationship, but there's something missing from my minor years. I will be 18 years old in less than 3 weeks and I haven't even been kissed. Yeah Yeah...not a huge priority.

The reason I started this blog is to get away from xanga. I feel so strongly that I don't have as much of a creative expression because of certain people viewing it...terrible I know. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks.

But, speakings of things, lately I have been driving myself crazy within upset over having certain guys in front of me, with many of the qualities I am looking for-but my knowing that they have no interest. I feel so incredibly stupid. I don't even remember what "signs" to look for. It's hard when you find so much in common with someone, or just in general someone who gets you and doesn't tease you about the things you like to do or eat...well, I guess I should just be content.

Overall, this blog is the real deal. This is me, you don't have to read it for heaven's sake....