Some days I just feel like I splashed myself in the face with the most cleansing water ever. I am really glad for that. People can really surprise me, in both good and bad ways. (...wow what a really vague general statement..)

I am proud to be who I am. I am 18 years old, clean, and hardly been touched. I'm not alone. How could I have ever felt alone? There are so many others just like me out there who know exactly what it's like to be so clean. Newsflash: It really feels pretty damn good.

I wasn't expecting to have my beliefs challenged so much as of the past few months but it has been a good thing. I am getting a lot more confident and a lot better at defending myself.

Family, you really know me. Whether you be a 2nd cousin, a sister, Preston, or Mom. You know me better than anyone else. :-) Thanks for loving me come rain or come shine.

Friends, thanks for putting up with wishy-washy emotions. Special thanks to friends who are more recent in my life. Wow. You all came at an interesting point. I can't wait for you to see me in a few months. It'll be a whole different story. (I mean that in a really good way..)

I've had a total recalibration of my mind, you know. I mean, it's like, I've been banging my head against this 19th century type, um, what? Thought mode? Construct? Human construct? Well, the wall doesn't exist. It's not there, you know. I mean, they tell you, look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, there is no tunnel. There's just no structure. The underlying order is chaos.

- Slacker

what's a word of truth when you can't be true to anyone or yourself

My routine is still normal, my life keeps moving steadily forward but I'm staying behind. I'm becoming almost fully disconnected from everything and anything that I am..or was. I can't even find reality.

I decided to be spontaneous almost a week ago and finally open my mouth about something on my mind. I can't tell any real difference and the pang is still half there. Take me aside and shake me until I spill it all. Please.

I'm nauseous outside of my bed. I want to compose all of my feelings into one big laundry bag and douse them with gas then set them on fire.

All of my feelings are normal...I'm normal for not knowing what to do.

"The will of human beings meant nothing, then, as the veterinarian always seemed to feel. People were no more than dolls set on tabletops, the springs in their backs wound up tight, dolls set to move in ways they could not choose, moving in directions they could not choose. Nearly all within range of the wind-up bird's cry were ruined, lost. Most of them died, plunging over the edge of the table."
-Haruki Murakami

:-)

brag brag brag

No regrets?

"Anyhow, even though I might go out on a date with a boy, emotionally I just wouldn't be able to concentrate. I'd be smiling and chatting away, and my mind would be floating around somewhere else, like a balloon with a broken string. I'd be thinking about one unrelated thing after another. I don't know, I guess finally I want to be alone a little while longer. And I want to let my thoughts wander freely. In that sense, I guess, I'm probably still 'on the road to recovery'."
-From The Wind Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami

I just happened to glance at the calendar and noted my mom had circled this...

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved~loved for ourselves, or rather, in spite of ourselves."
-Victor Hugo

It couldn't be more fitting for the way this week has worked out. Thank you so much.

Somehow I get the feeling I'm not going to find what I'm looking for in Northeast Ohio...I don't think my future will be in northeast ohio...I don't think I will start a family or make a living here.

I want him to be okay that I do get stressed out over little things sometimes (okay more than sometimes), that I don't plan or want to get drunk in the near future, that I will always want to be a red head, that my family is a really big part of my life, that I brush my teeth a whole heck of a lot, with trying new foods with me, with cooking with me, that I love to dance anywhere and he should want to dance sometimes too, that my sense of humor can sometimes be old-fashioned, also that I am generally old-fashioned, that my personality and experiences often resemble that of Charlie Brown's life, that I hate sleeping in and want to get my day started early, that I despise cigarette smoke and will cough obnoxiously around people who are smoking nearby, that I love the smell of a pipe, that I hate snow and being out in it, that I love being outside during any other season so I want to go on picnics and walk my dog in parks, that the only thing I can draw are flowers, that I hate dead baby jokes and joking around about death, that I get sad when people compliment me like crazy when I have straight hair, that I will never use a tanning bed or worry about being tan, that I sometimes get lost in the buzz of the world, that I have a terrible short term memory and need reminded to do things, that I am a Christian but I don't go to church every Sunday and only read the bible once every 6 months, that I want to be financially stable enough to travel fairly often, that I hate talking on the phone, that I can't always complete my sentences because my thoughts get interrupted...
...and that I am asking for a hell of a lot....whoever he'll be.

Sure it's easy for anyone to tell me to "be patient", but I've been waiting my whole life for that one moment. With good reason I'm antsy!

I sure would like to be at the right place at the right time for once.

"I'm tired of looking at this!"