Our lazy susan is cracking down the middle, my home is becoming a tea emporium, I've got 2+ cavities in my mouth right now, I'm wishing I never signed up for AP Calc, boys are confusing me, I'm constantly laughing at how ridiculous people's behaviour in symphonic band is, I've confessed my secret love for rap music, I'm creating my own flavours of tea by mixing teabags, I can't get enough of seeing my friends, my parents are not keen on any of my plans for college these days-speaking of I really want to apply to Goshen, I'm communicating through a webcam with my sister and it's awfully strange, I am constantly speaking without thinking, I can't stay in school mode for more than 10-15 minutes each period, I haven't been awake enough to double-tongue in band all week, I've been taking advantage of Kelly Clarkson to extend my vocal range, I cannot stop speaking in foreign accents anymore, I am really scared of gaining weight this winter, Ms is taking over my life, I'm seeing things I never saw before in life, my senses have been extra sharp lately-I can't stop smelling things especially!, I want a soulful gospel voice, I'm wishing my life had an electronica soundtrack always playing, I'm feeling guilty, I haven't been able to handle loud noises much lately, I'm becoming addicted to talking about anything but everyday conversation, I've been ridiculously open with people, I feel love in a strange way, I fear my absent-minded tendencies, I'm angry with my lack of consistency on one tense throughout this entry, and I wish my eyes had been cameras for the past month.

My secret is that I've been using postsecret.com and veryliberating.com A LOT lately.

I'm finding the most dangerous place for me to be right now is alone in my car. Or just really alone in general?

....

You're okay to me. You're human and nothing you say is going to push me away or weird me out. Don't apologize for being human. Any time you need to vent I will be right here.

I dreamt last night that I couldn't sleep. None of my dreams made any sense whatsoever except maybe when I drove 50 in a 35 by a police car...I wonder if that's symbolic of how I need to take more risks. I couldn't tell you.

Why do I worry so much? I spent so much time stressing yesterday and making myself feel miserable. I really need to cure myself of this. In the past few weeks my eyes have been opened to something. I am finding out who I can keep closest to me. I am discovering who will not judge me or question me for anything that comes out of my mouth. It's a really incredible and comfortable feeling.

I know it's terrible...but I wish my parents would take a vacation...not only for my own sake but for theirs too. They need to spend a week together without me around. I'm only making things worse. I realized yesterday while they were out how much I need alone time. Now that my mom isn't working she is constantly obsessing over everything I say and every face I make. I feel like big brother is always watching me.

Katherine got me a book that gives me something to do to make my life more hilarious for 365 days and I plan on attempting to do every single one. Today was called a "warm-up" so it gave me lots of options like telling someone my middle name or bookmarking a new website or saying "yo" instead of "hello". I chose to figure out which one of my toes is the prettiest. It was tough, because I'm not a huge fan of my feet.

"Sometimes ana, its much more comforting to watch the snow fall than it is to be out there in it.. "

I have no idea what each new day will bring for me anymore....One day life makes sense and I feel I have so much to live for and the next I wake up feeling like things couldn't be worse.

Today made sense. I didn't think it would at first. I felt such a pang in my stomach and terrible knots throughout my body. Mom said I looked so incredibly sad...she was worried for me.

I can't even begin to explain what's going on in my head or in my life. He makes me really happy, and I don't need a label on it to make things better than they already are. I have not felt so open around a guy as I do around him. I just want to take life as it comes and be able to wake up and smell the coffee on a daily basis.

I know that pain is necessary in life. I completely understand this. But, butterflies are nice sometimes. Even if, by high school standards, things have not gone far enough, I could care less.

I am continually amazed. I'm also on my last straw with some people. We're almost all adults now. I am over this bullshit of some people being my friend one day and the next assuming the world is against them-including me. I had been blind for so long to so much....and now that my eyes are opening my mind isn't even sure it can handle it. Life is so much more exciting than I had ever imagined.

You can't beat me. You can't push me around anymore. I've had enough. I've spent my whole life putting up with more than I really should and it's time for a change.

Newsflash: The world isn't against you, nor will it ever be. Also, we've all taken life's knocks. Never ever assume that "no one understands".

I really wasn't expecting it...as much as I had hoped you'd say it. But, I still really need to talk to you. I am not going to let go of you, I promise. I hope you can see that.

All I ask for is prayer or something.

I can't even put into words how I'm feeling. I just know that the people that surrounded me this weekend are so incredibly important to me. I have never smiled so big or laughed so hard...I'm not faking this feeling at all. It's real...it's where my life should be going. Aside from my mom stomping on my feelings with her news that she realized she shouldn't have married my dad or the fact that I'm getting a stupid curfew again because of this weekend. I hate to say it...but I didn't want to go home last night or leave anyone. I wish I had the freedom to fall asleep on whatever couch I liked on whoever's house and just be happy. I feel like right as I would get comfortable last night my parents would rip this feeling to shreds. I'm 18, now. I've never drank. I've never smoked. I've never even really been in a very long relationship with a guy. I don't do hardly anything spontaneous...so I guess it's too late now, in their eyes.

I couldn't have asked for a better weekend, honestly. The Museum was wonderful, the food was AMAZING of course, I got to sing well-known songs while walking down Lee Rd, I got an aaamaazing sundae to share with two wooonderful people, and we even got back to the L couch and put some orville redenbaucher out for effect.

Unfortunately, my home right now could not have more bad vibes and angry looks from my mom.

Strangely enough...with each day I feel more and more like Andrew Largeman. Yesterday felt like some scene out of a movie....unreal. I want to shout it out to the world that I am HAPPY...truly happy. Do you hear that?

I have never known this feeling before....but I like it. Can I keep it?

The forecast for today was....

Clear skies...all the way. There was a chance of rain, but it never came. :-)

Thanks.



"We live in a beautiful world, yeah we do....yeah we do."

The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive....when really you're asleep in life's waiting room.

Today from Ana's subconscious...

Where is life taking me? Did I make the right decisions today? Should I have said something instead of biting my tongue or did I say the wrong thing? Did I choose the wrong paths? Did I take on my day with the right attitude? Did I make my mom proud today?

Are these all the right people?-Are they all in my life for a specific reason or purpose? What will I learn from them? Do they really like me? Slow down Slow down....The world keeps spinning faster and faster and I can't slow it down like I thought I could as a child. I'm 18...was I ready to turn 18? Should I be acting more mature? Am I too uptight?-Should I loosen up? Am I too weird for you? Do I make any sense?

Who am I? I want to know what my purpose is...everyday this feeling grows stronger.

Is there a God? If so, am I destined for heaven or hell? Can my deceased relatives watch my every move, every mistake, every word that comes from my mouth, every thought that crosses my mind? If so, I want to tell them I am sorry.

Am I writing too much or talking too much? Is this a bad thing? Should I be leaving home next year instead of sticking around? What's in store for me? Is he around me? You know...the one I'm supposed to share my life with.

Should I even get married? Is it worth it considering the divorce rate? Who can I trust?

Leave me alone...no no..don't..Are you even listening to me? Please don't let me lose you. Where are you? I can't find you and I'm scared. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't function normally....at all. I hope I never hurt you in any way. You're so confusing. Why must you do this to me? Just tell me what's going on.

Everything is foggy today. Please promise me clear skies for tomorrow.

My emotions have been put on stir in a blender and I have no idea what I'm going to feel next. So much of me is happy, but so much is still causing me to not eat. I guess when one individual somehow brings you so much joy, that could be it. But, somehow, though I thought I knew myself, this is one instance that I really don't. I'm frightened of that because I normally know exactly why I'm feeling a certain way deep down. It could be the worry within me that maybe I should give up again...but why give up? This is the thought that goes through my head all day back and forth....back and forth...over and over and over and over until I'm so confused I feel nauseous. I literally felt nauseous when I came home from school today. I have been let down over and over again...I just can't do it again. Things are alright currently, though. It's how it should be but I guess looking into the future makes me sad. I don't even want to ask my friends where they're applying to college because I don't want to know how far away I will be from them for the majority of the year. I can't stand it. I almost cried today in A Cappella when Kat was talking about going to school in Boston. I like it here, sadly enough. I like seeing these people on a regular basis. I love singing with these people and laughing and crying and feeling with these people.

It took me a long time but I finally have a complete group of friends that understand me and accept me for who I am. I make mistakes...a lot. I am awkward about a lot of things and I'm clumsy. I will never be good with words or able to say exactly what I want to. I'm so stubborn it drives people mad. I share a love-hate relationship with change. I started off high school feeling so upset that my thoughts were so far ahead of myself and now I both wish and don't wish that it was different. I wish I had met certain people sooner to share my life with, but I suppose it was still a good experience. I find myself having the best conversations with people as of late and I wish I could bottle these conversations. I want to take them out whenever I need a reminder that there are still wonderful people in the world who care and understand. I also want to bottle their hugs, as dumb as that sounds. I can't stand it that I'm one of the very few who is settling for school nearby. I just don't feel it is my time. But, now that I may have been able to find someone here...I fear losing him to some far-away school. Why can't I just live for the moment? I struggle with this immensely.

I want to spend every weekend for the rest of my life with people who see the world through such incredible eyes. People who thrive on adventure and trying new things. I want to discover everything there is to see and do. Please let time slow down...for once.

I like the way you see the world. I like the way you don't make me feel stupid for the fact I can't always speak English. I like the way you always know what to say to make me smile. I like how you hear music. I like it when you sing. I like the sound of your laugh. I like how our conversations go. I like how we're not perfect....and it shows.

This isn't necessarily directed at one person..or is it?....take it however you want...but I had to say it.

I have never felt so bad ass in my life. I did it...I really did it.

It's such an incredible feeling to know this is going to stay on my skin until I die. It's all for you, Grandma.

Yesterday was such a wonderful day. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

PS my appetite is mostly back....for more reasons than one. :-)

Stuck...deep

Things aren't right. I can't directly pinpoint it but ever since yesterday morning I haven't felt myself.

I feel like someone took a vacuum to my soul and sucked me out of there. I know that sounds a tad bit dramatic. But...I'm sort of confused.

I have had a huge loss of appetite which is really rare for me because I adore food more than anyone. I usually eat more when I'm upset or stressed. Each time I take a bite out of something I regret taking that bite. My taste buds aren't even working correctly...everything tastes bland.

I may know two reasons why I'm feeling like this, but it seems a little extreme for the reasons.

For one thing, Noah left today with my mom. I get to spend the next week with my father who I hardly know. I want Noah back already.

Secondly...boys. I'm ready to get out of this rut of being alone. I'm so scared to even try anymore though. I have someone in mind, but I feel like he'd never see me that way no matter what. Lately it has seemed different though so I gathered up some hope. I just don't know why it's bothering me so much. I wish I'd just get over him and move on. I can't help it when it just seems to make sense....he and I that is. Whatever, I'm tired of writing crap tonight.

I feel like Andrew Largeman...I want to stand on top of a bulldozer wearing a trash bag in the rain and yell profanities like "fuck" and "shit"

I deem this day "stupid".

But, I do think I'm going to get a tattoo this weekend because seriously, why not? It's about time.

What a beaut of a day....here are some messages I received

jsock3607: thats smart

Auto response from alonedownThere88: robbing a bank, vandalizing property, staying out way past curfew, burning buildings, screaming profanity at cops, and other illegal doings

jsock3607: i wish i wouldve done that
jsock3607: now ill just get in deep shit
jsock3607: wait are you doing any drugs?
-
Lives2Tapdance: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANA SIGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Auto response from alonedownThere88: voting. depositing checks. withdrawing money. grocery stoooore!!!!!!!!! cooooooking!!!! birthday celebración!
-
leavesandkings: your birthday is a MAGICAL day. britney and kevin are getting a divorce. all is right in the world!!!!

Auto response from alonedownThere88: yehawww partaaay call my house if you have any questions...brrriiiing movies!
-
TheStrood: I was going to call you and leave a happy birthday voicemail, but I lost your cell #. therefore, here we go. HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneone

Auto response from alonedownThere88: voting. depositing checks. withdrawing money. grocery stoooore!!!!!!!!! cooooooking!!!! birthday celebración!


I got to see almost all of my favorite people in one day, I received your beaaaauuuutiful flowers, erin! aaand I voted and so much more. "Yehaw!"

"i won't see you anymore..."-noah

Well...Noah's leaving on Thursday morning and with the way my schedule is these next 3 days will fly. I hate how each time I have no idea how long it could be. I wish he lived in the same town so I could just stop by whenever to see him or babysit him whenever I want.

Children are so incredible. He has opened my eyes in so many ways this past month to things I had forgotten about life. It's pretty fitting before I turn 18 to be able to see the world through a child's eyes right beforehand. I told my mom flatout today that I don't even want to turn 18. Is that terrible that I don't want to put it all behind me and take on the responsibilities of an adult so soon in the future?

I'm excited to vote, definitely...but so many other things to not look forward to.

I wish I was turning 3 years old like Noah.

I realize I have still so much more time to live and learn and enjoy my surroundings...but it scares me that time has passed so quickly.

I'm so glad I was raised to be a nice person. And thank God for all the other nice people I know.

How can people throw around the word hate so much as if it's nothing? Give them a chance.

band banquet

cutest girls....ever.