A groggy cloud is beginning to seemingly become permanent above my head.

Please communicate.

I am waking up.

What the fuck are you trying to do to me? You disappear for months at a time, show back up, and make me miserable for some reason.

Your words are burning in my mind... Do you really think of me that way? I don't want you to. It makes me cry. You need love, but I'm not sure I can help you.

The revised version of the "you" I hope to find someday...

When we wake, you will laugh & smile because my follicles are ever changing.. you'll be an early riser too. We like to get our days started early so nothing is ever wasted. We wake just as soon as the sun pours through our windows and wakes up the senses. We take turns surprising each other with breakfast varieties. You always like to make fresh juices, though. You know how much I love the smell of citrus on your fingers. Our days hardly consist of set plans. We talk up exciting adventures constantly but every day is a surprise. On average, though, good food is prevalent and, when the weather is nice, we enjoy it. Good weather is never meant to be taken for granted. We both agree on this and embrace it lovingly. We're allowed to take naps after lunch. It gives us time to reserve energy for later events in the day. We are constantly, interestingly enough, taking turns with surprises for each other. I can't get over the look in your eyes every time. I'm sure you're not even that surprised any more. More often than not we slow our days down with music. Sometimes we just listen and sing along, or you'll sing/play for me. You're learning banjo because you know how much I crave the sound. We are such constant talkers. We never run out of things to say, almost never leave room for breathing throughout our days. When it rains/storms, you are always willing to watch the clouds. You may not necessarily understand my fascination but you're willing to learn. My favorite thing about you is your ability to communicate.

You're gone, I think. I'll miss you, actually. Regardless of where the feeling went, your friendship was nice. I kind of hope we don't run into each other anywhere from now on.

I am getting impatient, however. I'm ready to live.

There's a part of me which will remain bummed out through this. I can't help but wonder what it would have been like had I been allowed to be a part.

I'll admit it, I'm envious.

"Aint’ nothing gonna come between me and my afro
My man just left me; what do ya know?
Easy come; easy go!

He came out of the blue
And went right back into it
Had to forfeit because he couldn’t get with it
Called it quits and when he spins
He said he didn’t have time for my juvenile bullshit

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me."-Little Jackie

This song is currently the greatest.

I am such a ridiculous human being, most often. Every time I place myself in such a situation, I right away begin the painful process. I bite my tongue every day as the weeks, usually months, go on. I can feel myself growing weaker from my lack of ability to just spit it out. I know exactly what will come from my words. So, the day finally comes and everything goes exactly as was predicted. The bizarre thing this time was, as I was relaying my supposed "feelings", each sentence felt more and more like a lie. Almost instantly I felt those months of what I considered extremely joyous experiences suddenly felt like just any other day. I wasted so much energy and now you're gone. How lame. Why didn't I do this months ago?

Simultaneously, other little joys began popping up around me. I think this is supposed to bring me hope for the coming months? I don't know. What I do know is that it's time to be a lot more forward. I'm tired of wasting time.

I've found a way to be a bad sister, aunt, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, and friend all in the span of only 3 months.

I am sorry.

I'm working on it.