Don't get carried away.. be patient.. time will tell. But, where did it come from this time?

For the very first time, life is moving at a pace I can follow. Days are seemingly longer, even hours and minutes, allowing me to take in everything and savor it all completely.

I think it's the most beautiful thing to happen to me in quite some time.

ka-BOOOOOM.

Luminescence is ours, don't need a reason
Heralding pairing time, shine like a beacon
I've got the brilliance to let him know
I am so ready to glow

Light up the hottest time, summer the season
Nuptial scarves are mine, resplendently tease him
This light is soft in the night like a sigh
A glimmering kiss sent down from the stars in the sky

I'll never get to fly high
I'll never sprout the wings with which to roam the skies
But brilliantly I oxidize

I have the urge to climb high
I position myself well and the begin to writhe
Abdomen flexing from side to side
Optical attraction with this exercise
Such light and action should catch your eyes

When illumination grows nigh
My swain has been attracted and it feels so right
Romantic lighting is this bride's delight
Now I've a belly full of bright lights
These little ones results of that seductive night
Observe how my lantern did kindle the prize
Pyrotechnics emanating from inside
Provocatively photosensitize
By brightness this life is conceptualized

-Mirah

I still sleep with my childhood stuffed animal. I think I'm OK with this.

My hands have been shaky lately.

I'm getting to know someone who makes me smile bigger than I think is safe for me. But, I am pretty sure this person smiles wider and greater for someone else.

My whole body aches. I'm a little nervous, also.

Interestingly enough, I didn't think it was possible. You did, though.. obviously.

Are you serious? You can't be. I'm not sure you're aware of what you're saying. I should probably stay away.

Happy new year!

What next?

I wish I was able to not love for a little while.

I would do anything to start my internship now. I recognize I don't have nearly enough information collected to do so. However, my life is craving change. I need to go away for a while and figure some things out. Kent, Ohio is not where I will find anything. I won't find the ideal "you" or job or life I'm looking for. Kent's clouds inspire me, though. For now they will keep me going until I can leave.

My longing for going is not at all connected to the people I am surrounded with. They bring heaps of joy.

Please, just give me time. I am gathering the tools.

Begin, begin, begin.. restart, restart, restart..

No moving forward, only repeated starting over.

I was ready, too.

I could really use this at a time like now. I am willing to try.

I serve as an incredible post for bees and arachnids.

The spiders take advantage of my bike's handlebars to get them on campus. They must hop on early morn and wait for my arrival to tighten their web in order to promise a safe trip. Every so often they don't make it. I can't help it, right?

The bees use me to stop and clean their face or perhaps just for that once (but necessary) in a blue moon rest from their daily bzzz-y agenda. Horrible pun.

But, seriously, who am I?

Attention brain!: I cannot do this on my own. You're supposed to run the show. Instead, you make me a mess.

You cannot sprinkle sunshine over my senses and expect me to keep quiet.

I'm not doing a very good job at this.

Spinning.

"I'm far away and I'm feeling alone
I've got one week behind me, just six more to go
If i could see you I'd take off your clothes
And we'd lie in the garden and watch the weeds grow

The grass is so high
I can't see over
And the moon is so full
It's setting the stars all on fire
If they build the dam
Any higher
Their gonna back up the crick and
Set this whole place under water
The city is a million miles away
The city is a million miles away

I lie Awake and think of you
The floods and fires might be coming through
But you would know just what to do
Yeah, you would know just what to do"

YES

I need support. I'm pushing as hard as I can to go places and be something but I need a different sort of help now. I think you can help me. I'm afraid to ask you and should probably just leave you alone.

My toes are tingling. I think this part of my body feels it the strongest. I'm not sure why. I like the feeling. My curiosity is running out of control and I'm not going to try to stop it.

....

Once again.. here I am. I hope I don't set it all up real nice just so it can gradually increase its wobbly-ness and then eventually(or maybe inevitably?) tip over, scattering itself on the table, the chairs and to the ground, maybe even ending up in a pair of my shoes. I'm not in the mood for that anymore.

I am a newly found believer that the earth and its creatures are fully aware of who loves them. They will repay you. They will return the love and bring you beautiful days and protect you when necessary. The bees will not sting you, simply admire you in the same way you do, them. The sunflowers will stare at you for the same amount of time you sat waiting patiently(maybe) for their arrival. They will watch you, even through the kitchen window, as you go about your day. The grass will become more pillow-like in order to give you the comfort necessary for that afternoon nap, or evening lounge. The clouds, although seemingly disconnected, will show you the storms when you need/want them and they will clear when your senses are ready. The pollen count, however, may be the least friendly, but I just consider it the pesky little brother-annoying, but necessary. When the birds wake up, they are instantly ready to put on a show until sunset. Domesticated dogs, though, well, they are an interesting case in this world. They were not naturally selected, but they will play nurse when the time is right. They will try to cuddle your sniffles away, even if their hair makes you sneeze a little. I do wish they could laugh, however. For all the moments of embarrassment when I am home alone, it is important to have someone there to laugh during these times. Instead, they stare, concerned, through the bumping into tables and slipping on melted ice. They're alright, really.

Shake my senses, they're going numb.

For the past 7 or 8 months I have been telling myself to get rid of you. I'm bored right now, that could be why I let you back in. You're not a very kind person. I think it sucks that there are people taking care of you and you express zero gratitude. I don't get it. One minute, you call me, and you want to be with me.. the next, you want me to leave. Well, this is it. I really need to stick to this and never look back. You do nothing but create problems in my life. You have affected my mental, emotional AND physical health. Go ahead, ruin your life. I will NOT help you.

I need to live my life more simply. The only boy who proves to show unconditional love & support is an almost 5 year old living in Conway, New Hampshire. Life should present us with easier ways to form friendships with both genders, but, at this point, I'm becoming convinced that it's not possible.

A groggy cloud is beginning to seemingly become permanent above my head.

Please communicate.

I am waking up.

What the fuck are you trying to do to me? You disappear for months at a time, show back up, and make me miserable for some reason.

Your words are burning in my mind... Do you really think of me that way? I don't want you to. It makes me cry. You need love, but I'm not sure I can help you.

The revised version of the "you" I hope to find someday...

When we wake, you will laugh & smile because my follicles are ever changing.. you'll be an early riser too. We like to get our days started early so nothing is ever wasted. We wake just as soon as the sun pours through our windows and wakes up the senses. We take turns surprising each other with breakfast varieties. You always like to make fresh juices, though. You know how much I love the smell of citrus on your fingers. Our days hardly consist of set plans. We talk up exciting adventures constantly but every day is a surprise. On average, though, good food is prevalent and, when the weather is nice, we enjoy it. Good weather is never meant to be taken for granted. We both agree on this and embrace it lovingly. We're allowed to take naps after lunch. It gives us time to reserve energy for later events in the day. We are constantly, interestingly enough, taking turns with surprises for each other. I can't get over the look in your eyes every time. I'm sure you're not even that surprised any more. More often than not we slow our days down with music. Sometimes we just listen and sing along, or you'll sing/play for me. You're learning banjo because you know how much I crave the sound. We are such constant talkers. We never run out of things to say, almost never leave room for breathing throughout our days. When it rains/storms, you are always willing to watch the clouds. You may not necessarily understand my fascination but you're willing to learn. My favorite thing about you is your ability to communicate.

You're gone, I think. I'll miss you, actually. Regardless of where the feeling went, your friendship was nice. I kind of hope we don't run into each other anywhere from now on.

I am getting impatient, however. I'm ready to live.

There's a part of me which will remain bummed out through this. I can't help but wonder what it would have been like had I been allowed to be a part.

I'll admit it, I'm envious.

"Aint’ nothing gonna come between me and my afro
My man just left me; what do ya know?
Easy come; easy go!

He came out of the blue
And went right back into it
Had to forfeit because he couldn’t get with it
Called it quits and when he spins
He said he didn’t have time for my juvenile bullshit

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me."-Little Jackie

This song is currently the greatest.

I am such a ridiculous human being, most often. Every time I place myself in such a situation, I right away begin the painful process. I bite my tongue every day as the weeks, usually months, go on. I can feel myself growing weaker from my lack of ability to just spit it out. I know exactly what will come from my words. So, the day finally comes and everything goes exactly as was predicted. The bizarre thing this time was, as I was relaying my supposed "feelings", each sentence felt more and more like a lie. Almost instantly I felt those months of what I considered extremely joyous experiences suddenly felt like just any other day. I wasted so much energy and now you're gone. How lame. Why didn't I do this months ago?

Simultaneously, other little joys began popping up around me. I think this is supposed to bring me hope for the coming months? I don't know. What I do know is that it's time to be a lot more forward. I'm tired of wasting time.

I've found a way to be a bad sister, aunt, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, and friend all in the span of only 3 months.

I am sorry.

I'm working on it.

I need to work on my breathing.

I need to get out of North America for a little while.

Bye.

You never give me a chance. How do you manage to take it away from me every time?

So much has been left empty since summer began. Try as I might, nothing helps. Almost every night I work hard to try to find something to fill that hollow space. Why is everything so ready to evaporate just as it has said "hello"?

My time with the little one wasn't long enough.. as usual. I cannot seem to accept his growing older. I have watched a part of me grow and change so much through experiences with him. In the beginning, I never saw myself capable of being a decent mother to any child. Now, I am frustrated because he feels more like a sibling and not like a nephew. Why couldn't I handle things this year?

Lately I've been wondering if it's really worth forcing things to work rather than just letting them boil boil boil EXPLODE. Such a constant vast amount of change.

I can try and try to change my lifestyle, but when other things intrude and add onto the rest.. I get distracted. Everything just keeps getting put off.

Even if I am having fun for a second, the second is rudely interrupted by yet another dollop of frustration.

Stop fantasizing about it.. it won't happen.

I am really really angry. That's how I feel. Okay?

You are a perplexing pile of beauty to me. I wish you could see it, too.

REVAMP.

I think I missed you.




I wish I didn't.

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaasseeee? please? seriously.. p-p-p-please?














....

I wish I could be more detached from people. I am almost infatuated with them.. I always feel undeserving of the love they give back.

I'm really bored. Honestly. Across the board.

Sometimes I forget how enamored I am with folk music. But, when I'm reminded again, boy does it reach every little part of my body.

I find it so incredibly refreshing to be able to go as I please without question anymore... I almost don't know how to take it. I was so conditioned to the fighting and lack of trust that this line of peace has overwhelmed me entirely.

PS As much as I thought I wanted to see you again, or at least how the back of my mind saw it, I realized it only made things worse. Your presence has become frightening to me because of where I was when I was with you. I was not ME, I was not being true to myself and it scares the shit out of me that I shared the non-me only with you. Is it horrible that now I'd rather never see you again? I'm sorry. I hope you can figure your life out someday.. I still can't help but care that you will see your inner beauty someday. You're so completely lost from the world and you're so content. I think that's the most frightening aspect to me. Let me stop caring for once. I can't care about you.

I have revamped my lifestyle in almost every aspect over the past year and sometimes I wonder how I'm able to tolerate certain things. Sometimes it feels sooo refreshing to take the bumpier route and fall in the dirt and get there an hour late.

I see my mom in me more and more with every day. I don't know if it's because we spend a lot of time together or whether it's inborn...but I don't really mind anymore. I wish I could retain the knowledge that she has over time about the flowers, the plants and the birds. I wish I could have nothing my cupboard and make something over the top gourmet and fabulous like she does. A year ago she and I were fighting to keep our relationship somewhat stable and now we hardly hit a roadblock. I do worry for her, however. I hope I can at least get through college..that's all. I already told her I can't save the world and don't see myself doing anything overly significant for the environment. But, I just want to be content. I know how broken hearted she is some days for not finishing school and I hope I can make her happy.

I am going to run my life at a pace that I can handle. It drives me nuts how so many people set them up for stressville 4 years in a row. I can't do it. I know that !!! ! So if I only take 13-14 credit hours each semester til I graduate..well, honestly I don't care. I know Grandpa Sigler does, but he also thinks I should be a Nurse or a straight up Geologist so I can drill for oil til I die. Puhhhh ahaha

I'm overflowing with potassium and antioxidants !

With almost 20 years on my belt of knowing ME and not knowing me + _____, I hope you find time to get to know yourself now. It's OK to not be an addition problem all the time.

Scheduling classes gives me indigestion.

Last week life kept setting me on the ground only to roll me around & bat me back & forth until I was nauseous, frustrated, delirious, & mostly sad.

I'm tired. I'm definitely still tired.

But, oy, watching my parent's sudden rejuvenation this week over their two new bicycles astounds me. They have been taken back to a place which hasn't been visited for years & their eyes are wide... They are incredibly giggly & can't find anything even remotely more important to talk about with anyone. It's incredible to see how life tends to bring a lot of people to a point where everything's just flat out LAME(for lack of a better description) in order for one to rediscover their original loves.

As I walked into the garage today and glanced back & forth between my parent's old Peugeots & their new super slick Raleighs..I felt like they had stepped into an entirely new world. My mother's Peugeot is now with me & living a new & (hopefully) exciting life while my father's is acting as an organ donor to save the female. He hangs proudly on the wall with missing pieces but elated to have aided in her reincarnation. Meanwhile, the new Raleighs stand happily to the side awaiting an extreme amount of adventure. Simultaneously, our three cars sit outside the garage in the rain, practically being ridiculed by the 'cycles. :-)

I believe what hurt me most last week was probably the fact the sun was blaring down on my life & I couldn't stop to appreciate it even for a moment. I could feel it & soak it, but it wouldn't get to my core. Instead, I was thoroughly grumbly & constantly waiting for some sign that things would improve..I spent more time keeping my eyes peeled than noticing the little exciting & rather intricate details springing up.

I am trying to make the next few years feel feasible & comfortable to the best of my ability. I hate to say it, but I truly am excited to receive my Macbook this week after the frustrations I've endured all year with this PC.

I thought another sector of my life was ready to be tested, but it seems to be falling through. I suppose I should accept this & simply appreciate the incredible relationships that already surround me.

People are a lot more wonderful & astoundingly beautiful than I had expected.

blech.

This may take more patience than I have in me.

for the first time in a long while, i can foresee a lot of good at the end of the tunnel.

i have never been more ready or excited before. i'm positively giggly over a gem.

this feeling has reached every little part of me; from the crinkles in my forehead, to the very root of my funny follicles, to underneath my fingernails, in between my eyelashes, to the spot underneath my tongue and even that hard to reach part of my back that always seems to tickle.

You leave a twinkle in my eye and I like it.

almost a week spent jamming as much knowledge as possible and nothing to show for it...Are certain subjects/facts not meant to fit into the minuscule pores of this complicated sponge?

I was practically dreaming of prokaryotes, fungi, and the like for a week..I couldn't stop thinking about it..I thoroughly completed the study guide and spent 3 hours even making extra copies onto flashcards which I studied with for another few hours before the exam...I locked myself away from anything social last week because I am trying to take every little ounce of these courses seriously..but why isn't it carrying on to prove to anyone I'm capable of this?

"Sorry, Kent State, I'm capable of writing good papers, but I can't pass any of your exams..is it alright if you just let me have my degree anyway? Thanks."

......

ode to chamomile

Oh, the years spent without you by my side, I do not know how I moved through those nights of tossing and turning overflowing with thoughts. Afternoon naps led to all-nighters of nothingness. Where was I to go, what was I to do with a mind so awake? In the distance I saw you, but wasn't a believer. When it came to seeing 6AM bike rides in my future, you were my last resort. Maybe our relationship is simply placebo, but I don't mind. You may taste slightly minty and warm like a spring day(maybe not in Ohio..), but you have filled a void in my life I wasn't sure was possible.

Thanks to you, rapid-eye-movement before 11PM is feasible.

the truth is, I'm more scared than I have ever been in my life...scared of laying a pencil to a paper and instantly forgetting the past month of lectures on things I'm really interested in..I KNOW it's up there, so where does it go under that pressure?

please help me find it..

uf!

In order to obtain the focus I need to get through these next, extremely challenging, 3.5-4 years, many elements must come into play.

It is so important right now that I take time out to focus on me. I have spent way too much time letting myself drift into everyone else's lives including spending unnecessary amounts of time talking to my dogs. :-)

As much as I like to consider myself to not be a very materialistic person, for once I truly see something material as being very beneficial to my mental health. I wish I could go through with purchasing a Macbook right here and NOW simply to save my sanity. This PC is running slower than I think it ever has before and preventing me from accomplishing simple tasks or research for classes in a decent amount of time. I spend far too much time restarting it or screaming profanities at it.

On the bright side of things, I've come to accept the reality of living with my parents throughout college. I am beginning to see all of the benefits and the money I will be able to save up and use on much more exciting things. Things have really lightened up around here and I feel now more than ever they have gained an even greater sum of respect for me than they have in the past.

I also am beginning to see the beauties of not having my name tied to anyone else's around this point in my life. There are a million other far more important things I need to be focusing on and the opposite sex actually tends to make my grades plummet. No offense, males.

I have never looked forward to seeing the Earth in bloom than this year. After walking outside with a -13 degree wind chill this morning I could only think that: "It can't get much worse than this." I mean that in an extremely optimistic, way, too. I have ridden my bike through some of the most extreme conditions this winter, even fallen off of it in the ice due to my stubbornness. I am proud of myself for sucking it up and not always giving in to riding those damn PARTA buses.

What I'm trying to say is that, I'm happy, I guess. I am slightly nervous, but that is to be expected. So far my first exam grade is satisfactory, but it's a better start than I had imagined it would be. I need some prayer in that area.

I don't want strangers to help me and train me for situations I don't want to talk/think about, I don't want family to hug me or sympathize with me when I've had a bad day, I don't want friends to try to understand this disgusting puzzle and make attempts to work on it with me, I don't want to feel such a strong need to "talk things over" with you or for some reason care about you so deeply when I have mostly likely vanished from your memory by now, I don't want to worry about getting on the dean's list or competing with other conservation majors for a place in grad school, I don't want anyone to look for answers in me or expect me to hypothesize WHY, I don't want to talk to academic advisers about ANYTHING ever, I don't want to fill out paperwork for Student Loans- however, I don't want to live with my parents all throughout college, I don't want my car to break down soon because I don't ask enough questions or assert myself, I don't WANT to assert myself, I don't want to lose my ability to sing the way that makes me happy-but, I don't want to join a choir that gives me too much to worry about on the side, I don't want to constantly remember your smile and then remember how you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to have bad skin anymore and constantly cover my face with my hands, I don't want to get heavy again just because I can't control my compulsive eating, I don't want to look at such a dead earth right now and constantly force myself to search for winter's beauty, I don't want to miss high school when I know I wouldn't want to be back, I don't want to use up tissues because it's an awful waste, I don't want to move forward.

During my one month break off, I surprisingly got an immeasurable amount of thinking done. Not all of the conclusions I drew came on my own. Some instances I am looking back at in awe as if they never happened. Did those words actually come out of your mouth once? Did I really feel so much anger and sadness towards someone I love so much deep down? What an incredible ride that month was...

I started it off in an absolute panic. I had fucked up...greatly. My exams were by far the poorest they could have been and I was having trouble focusing even on the minor things. I'm positive even my cooking wasn't the same. The alone time I was given over break I spent breaking myself down. I couldn't find the root anywhere.

Someone suggested a way to bring the focus back into my life and that advice I repeatedly tried to shove as far into the back of my brain as possible. By the end of break I felt like screaming at that person for thinking that I could just snap my fingers and accomplish such a "task". However, just today it hit me how little they know about me. Strangely enough, I haven't really given them much of who I am due to a lack of caring. I can't begin to understand what you were trying to put me through and now my motivation to show you what lies beneath my exterior has vanished. I hope you don't have the impression that you do know me. If so, it frightens me what you could have said.

Last week was a horrendous whirlwind. The good news is that I am becoming more sponge-like, but less in the mood to be social. The beginning and end of last week were disgusting. I almost literally vomited on Friday and maybe it was symbolic and possibly had nothing to do with me biking in bitterly cold weather at 6AM. Who knows. The weekend left me frightened and feeling more isolated from the hustle and bustle of the world than I've felt before. Nothing pangs me more than not being able to mend possibly severed ties with someone whom I'm beginning to care about. I was given somewhat of an ounce of hope today, but my whole body trembled wondering whether this was to make a mockery.

I am paranoid. End of story.

Stop getting your hopes up.. :-(

I don't want to mess it up this time.