I don't want strangers to help me and train me for situations I don't want to talk/think about, I don't want family to hug me or sympathize with me when I've had a bad day, I don't want friends to try to understand this disgusting puzzle and make attempts to work on it with me, I don't want to feel such a strong need to "talk things over" with you or for some reason care about you so deeply when I have mostly likely vanished from your memory by now, I don't want to worry about getting on the dean's list or competing with other conservation majors for a place in grad school, I don't want anyone to look for answers in me or expect me to hypothesize WHY, I don't want to talk to academic advisers about ANYTHING ever, I don't want to fill out paperwork for Student Loans- however, I don't want to live with my parents all throughout college, I don't want my car to break down soon because I don't ask enough questions or assert myself, I don't WANT to assert myself, I don't want to lose my ability to sing the way that makes me happy-but, I don't want to join a choir that gives me too much to worry about on the side, I don't want to constantly remember your smile and then remember how you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to have bad skin anymore and constantly cover my face with my hands, I don't want to get heavy again just because I can't control my compulsive eating, I don't want to look at such a dead earth right now and constantly force myself to search for winter's beauty, I don't want to miss high school when I know I wouldn't want to be back, I don't want to use up tissues because it's an awful waste, I don't want to move forward.

During my one month break off, I surprisingly got an immeasurable amount of thinking done. Not all of the conclusions I drew came on my own. Some instances I am looking back at in awe as if they never happened. Did those words actually come out of your mouth once? Did I really feel so much anger and sadness towards someone I love so much deep down? What an incredible ride that month was...

I started it off in an absolute panic. I had fucked up...greatly. My exams were by far the poorest they could have been and I was having trouble focusing even on the minor things. I'm positive even my cooking wasn't the same. The alone time I was given over break I spent breaking myself down. I couldn't find the root anywhere.

Someone suggested a way to bring the focus back into my life and that advice I repeatedly tried to shove as far into the back of my brain as possible. By the end of break I felt like screaming at that person for thinking that I could just snap my fingers and accomplish such a "task". However, just today it hit me how little they know about me. Strangely enough, I haven't really given them much of who I am due to a lack of caring. I can't begin to understand what you were trying to put me through and now my motivation to show you what lies beneath my exterior has vanished. I hope you don't have the impression that you do know me. If so, it frightens me what you could have said.

Last week was a horrendous whirlwind. The good news is that I am becoming more sponge-like, but less in the mood to be social. The beginning and end of last week were disgusting. I almost literally vomited on Friday and maybe it was symbolic and possibly had nothing to do with me biking in bitterly cold weather at 6AM. Who knows. The weekend left me frightened and feeling more isolated from the hustle and bustle of the world than I've felt before. Nothing pangs me more than not being able to mend possibly severed ties with someone whom I'm beginning to care about. I was given somewhat of an ounce of hope today, but my whole body trembled wondering whether this was to make a mockery.

I am paranoid. End of story.

Stop getting your hopes up.. :-(

I don't want to mess it up this time.