2 months or less ago, life was plain old and simple life. I had routine, I had good friends, I was what I thought was "myself".

Now, especially in this past month, my life has turned into something which is beyond me. I am no longer awake...or what I thought was awake. In fact, I'm not sure of a lot of things at the moment as hard as I'm trying to be. It's a real shame...

"...Forehead pressed against the glass, I shut my eyes and waited. At last, Midori's quiet voice broke the silence: 'Where are you now?'
Where was I now?
Gripping the receiver, I raised my head and turned to see what lay beyond the telephone booth. Where was I now? I had no idea. No idea at all. Where was this place? All that flashed into my eyes were countless shapes of people walking by to nowhere. Again and again, I called out for Midori from the dead center of this place that was no place."
-Norwegian Wood (again)

"So if you understand me better, what then?"
"You don't get it, do you?" I said. "It's not a question of 'what then'. Some people get a kick out of reading railroad timetables and that's all they do all day. Some people make huge model boats out of matchsticks. So what's wrong if there happens to be one guy in the world who enjoys trying to understand you?"
"Kind of like a hobby?" she said, amused.
"Sure, I guess you could call it a hobby. Most normal people would call it a friendship or love or something, but if you want to call it a hobby, that's O.K., too."
-Norwegian Wood by: Haruki Murakami

But pain and hurt isn't what I want...I could scream it at the top of my lungs and it wouldn't matter because my subconscious always takes control. Emotions and logic..emotions and logic....
my emotions>my logic...

Christmas Eve....(I counted my scarves)

Christmas morning...(Mom's breakfast)

Christmas gift...(Lyn gave it to me)

Day after Christmas...(pedicure!)
Gifts for mom...

Fin.

Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!

I am NOT sorry for once in my life! I am me and there is no reason why I should apologize for being me to anyone!

This is it. Ana will NOT be stepped all over, anymore.

I'm shifting into cruise control.

I'm here. You're there. She's over here. He's over there. Everyone's everywhere but we are all not together. We never will all be together, be it in life or in death. At least, that's how it seems for me these days.

Guilt. I was talking with one of my friends about religion for a long time the other night and I started discovering how confused I am. But, I guess guilt really isn't the right word, is it? I'm allowed to feel this way. I have a lot of pent up anger though.

Relationships. My relationships are so interesting. Each one of my friends, family members, or acquaintances has a different relationship with me. I try to be myself around all of them, but it is stifled around a select few. I don't like being stifled. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be outdoors. I want to celebrate my life. I don't want to sit around bullshitting/talking badly about people (some of which I don't even know). That is not who I am. Have I made myself clear enough on that? I'm a worry-wart, also. I care about people who I have these relationships with more than one can even begin to fathom. I am awkward at times with how I handle showing it. Lately, one of my close friends who really made me happy even by him just walking into a room has seemingly snapped at me. I am embarrassed, frightened, and saddened because he is by far one of the most interesting people I know and he is very dear to me. I try to do my best to show to people on a daily basis how much I love them, but this is one case I am not sure how to handle.

Conversations with substance. Why aren't there enough of these in our lives? I suppose it is so we can appreciate them when they do come along. Seriously, though, it is the most refreshing feeling ever. The other night, after my 3 days in a row of Ms practices, being able to just talk and not hold back even one thought was exactly what I needed. I really truly believe that as long as you have at least one person in your life who you can have these conversations with, you have everything in the world to live for. Not only are they listening, but you're 100% positive they are taking in your thoughts and responding with their own related thoughts.

Dating/Love Relationships. I am ready for this. I don't need to sit around and make out or have my personal space disrespected. I want to go out to dinner and talk. I want to enjoy being around him no matter what we're doing. I have spent so much time with so much built up angst towards dating and boys, I need change. I know I have been saying this a lot, but I am freaking 18 years old. I think I should be allowed to go on dates and enjoy myself. I don't need labels or anyone to even know if we're enjoying our time together. I just want to be around him and not have to worry or stress about anything in my life for once. I thought I had discovered that feeling in my life a few weeks ago, but it's pretty rocky in that area at the moment....

Christmas. Too much damn money! I didn't buy or really make anything for anyone this year. I ended up feeling badly because a lot of people got me nice things. I shouldn't be feeling guilty or badly, though. I should be happy, shouldn't I? I dreamed that you came home for Christmas, Erin. You surprised me and I was so happy until I woke up. Don't get me wrong, it was still a great Christmas I guess. Things aren't at all the same anymore. I wish I could lock myself in my room away from any Christmas ads for the whole month of November and December. (sometimes even October these days) I am glad that we all got along today.

Hope everyone's holiday season was/is enjoyable, regardless.

Christmas...

So, my first official three days of winter break were spent with Ms people, bruising up my legs and buffing myself up. I could have done without certain things occurring in the past few days, but I can't turn back time.
Be glad I didn't show you what it looks like under the bandage. Ick. But, I'm proud of my battle wounds.

I'm still not tired of the music or anything yet, surprisingly enough. I also am in the habit of doing crunches before bed every night and push ups. I'm going to be a beast quite soon. Deep down inside I'm really enjoying Ms. I'll admit it.

My potluck dinner was quite a success even if there were quite a lot of leftovers. I found out there is one video game I can dominate. (Karaoke Superstar)

As I was sitting in church this morning watching the baptisms, I could have cried. The little children couldn't have been more precious and the families all looked so happy and blessed. So, I guess I'm excited for Christmas even if it isn't going to be the same without either of my sisters.

I wonder when I'm going to be "arrested" for all the music I have illegally downloaded on my iTunes.

There is one other thing that would have been nice for Christmas, but I feel that joy may have been stolen from me. Oh well, maybe in college?

I don't know if I can ever give my heart to anyone, now.

What was I thinking? They always hurt me, without fail.

I guess I'm destined to become asexual.

Catching up on sleep is a bitch. Heating pads are amazing....so are the dandy warhols.

I could care less about the Christmas aspect of winter break, I just want to make the most of it. I'm brewing up ideas for day trips to Cleveland. :-)

I never thought I'd be dancing ever again in my life, but I am. I also am planning on making a list of goals for my future. First of all, I plan on taking up hammered dulcimer, and I am going to take a million different dance classes wherever I can find. I already have to learn tap for Ms. I'm really excited. Although this weekend surely kicked my ass, I know we are going to be one hot show choir. Yeeeehaww, I have three 12 hour practices on Thursday, Friday and Saturday of this week.

I feel really scatter-brained today, but at least I know Kent accepted me so I can start getting everything set there. Mr. Duvall was so incredibly excited when I told him I'd be joining the Gospel Choir next year. That is going to be so amazing!!

On a very good note, I realized today that I am happy. I'm not in any rut right now as I had been. Ever since I crashed my father's car, it was a definite wake up call and especially with my parents. Although things still aren't perfect, it's getting a lot better.

I hope you haven't forgotten how happy you make me. In fact, do you even realize?

All I want for christmas.....





.......but I can't have it.

I just got my acceptance letter from Kent. I ache in every part of my body except the tips of my fingers, my nose, and my ear drums. I am setting myself up for disaster by signing up for early bird calc. I am excited for the Literary Magazine. I don't have any cavities. I just spent the past 2 days with extremely straight hair. I am going to take up yoga again asap. I am dehydrated. I couldn't bowl to save my life. Errr...But life is preeetty swell.

Today....My most favorite human being in the world turns 3!!! :-)

!!!!!!

Guess what, world?! I'm living! I'm breathing! I can feel! I am happy!-and it's all your fault, world! In the wise words of my sister;
"giddy up".

This past summer I had some revelations about my life and where it was going. I realized how much time I wasted last year believing ridiculous comments about people I had never given a chance. There was so much more I could have been doing last year-so many people right in front of me.

I am so glad that I realized this, because from this, I have met and gotten to know some of the people I hadn't given that chance. They weren't anything at all how they had been described. There are so many nice, interesting, and caring people out there that I was completely oblivious too.

I have never felt so happy to be surrounded by these people and I'm starting to see more and more (as I have seen a lot through high school) who my actual friends are. The ones who don't talk down my other friends even if they don't necessarily like them-there they are. How about being able to appreciate your friends and showing it? How about being honest and not making me feel like I don't know what pain or sadness feels like? How dare someone ever make someone feel that way. I don't care who it is, you name it-they've experienced probably the same amount of pain, just maybe not in the same way. There is no more cruel thing to do than to single yourself out as the only one going through "this".

I am living my life and you can't stop me. I won't let anyone knock me around this way anymore. I realized I don't know some people anymore...Who are you?

Oh and I have one last word...

Selfish.

Coffee and tea are crazy. I find they are a way for anyone to take time out of their day to just sit back and take a breather. I think the most when I drink hot coffee or tea. I only just realized this today because I'm trying to test out coffees from different places since Starbucks is out of the question for me now. Starbucks' actual coffee really wasn't all that good anyway. Nothing compares to Barnee's or the coffee Erin brought us back from the DR. I'm not even usually a big coffee drinker because it's generally too thick of a taste for me-I like how easy tea goes down.

Life is good, today. It's nice to look around and still appreciate your day even when the ground is covered in this cold slushy mess of white, grey, and brown.

Yesterday was a fine day...I love being myself 24/7 and not holding back from saying what I want. I don't have to worry about someone making fun of me or asking me why I said or did something.

I'm finding out more and more that I missed out on so much as a child as far as little games go. The way my friends around here grew up was quite different due to the change of seasons. I'm glad that even though I'm technically an "adult" (legally) I am trying it all now. I'm digging inside of me for that carefree state of mind.



So, my advice is this; Live! Get up, first of all, and scream. Scream and make strange noises and be silly! Don't worry what anyone thinks, do it! Turn up your music really loud and dance by yourself. Embrace your guilty pleasures, such as myself with rap, and don't be embarrassed. Take a deep breath and in that breath take in all that you love and let out all that has troubled you lately. Scream or make a ridiculous noise again. Dance like my mother is doing in the kitchen right now in front of her kitchen aid mixer. BAKE COOKIES! Bake lots of cookies!!! Don't stress about Christmas! Enjoy the time you have spending with everyone. Sing!!!!! Don't carry around your baggage all of the time...Set it down and rest a while, maybe you could even give some away.

I like you, damnit!

I don't even care if the feeling's mutual anymore.

"i told you then that i would never leave you
and i told you that i'd loved you from the start
even though you haven't any answers
you still think that you don't need anyone
to save you from the mess that you've created..."

Contrary to what you think, you don't know me.

^^ Ah. The culprits of the crime. If only the traction had been better my foot probably wouldn't have slipped...

Why sleep in my own bed when the guest bedroom is so much more comfy? My room never feels "roomy".

Life is strange...but a good kind of strange. I like it.

Everyday I am able to sit back and count my blessings...especially the friends part.

I miss you, Erin.

Mom says I've got a "good eye" for a lot of things. :-)

There's only one instant, and it's right now. And it's eternity.

I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive.

Okay, I get the message. I'm blessed, I'm loved, I'm cared about...my parents really care about my safety, not material things. My friends are the most supportive people in the world. They are amazing. It could have been worse. But, I know tonight was a sign. I'm shaking all over more than anyone could know. I don't even know if I can sleep. I wish I could have recorded the past 2 hours for everyone to see what just happened. I didn't know my wake-up call was going to be so costly, though.

This past week I have felt some strange things and thought some negative thoughts, but it's so much clearer now....so INCREDIBLY clear.

The whole thing won't stop replaying in my head, but there's a deleted scene where the answer is to how it even happened.