It always always always comes in spurts. I don't know why I and so many others are afraid to ask for help. We are begging in our own way but won't voice it correctly. I am crying out in so many ways but not reaching in the right direction(s).

It's in my eyes.. my eyelids are heavier, no matter how I try. I can't settle down. I'm telling people too much. I can't hold back from losing it.

I remember the way I used to dream.. I've lost this about me.

I love my parents. I want to make sure they know this.

Yesterday my mom left me a note saying "I have broccoli, isn't that cool?". She wanted me to make broccoli cheese soup. :)

Liberating, I think that's the word. I didn't really expect that feeling. The sky looks brighter, my head also feels less cloudy, and the light is at the end of the tunnel--I see it!

It's a weird connection, though. I am sort of fearful, but strangely calm. I wish it was warm enough to lay in the grass. I'm afraid that is all I would like to do today.

I am scheduling appointments for two things I have put off taking care of for a long time. I must recognize that my health is very important--all facets of it. I just hope I don't get too nervous once I meet with each doctor. I am much more afraid of one doctor over the other. They're a stranger.. How am I supposed to feel comfortable instantly around a stranger?

...

What a ridiculous weekend. It was good ridiculous, by the way.

"There's a couple of Peruvian musicians playing in the little grassy island in the street near the pier, and maybe fifty people--locals and vacationers--have gathered around, offering their bland end-of-summer faces to the sound. I edge my way through the crowd and find a seat where I can see the musicians up close--the beautiful young guitarist and the taller man playing the flute. What are they doing in this rinky-dink blue-collar resort, and what does the audience make of this surprise visit from the dark-skinned south? The melody the flute lays out over the percussion is both utterly strange and completely familiar, as if had been imprinted in the minds of my own peasant ancestors centuries ago and forgotten until this very moment. Everyone else seems to be as transfixed as I am. The musicians wink and smile at each other as they play, and I see then they are secret emissaries of a worldwide lower-class conspiracy to snatch joy out of degradation and filth."
-from Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich

I need to fix myself.

Beautiful job fucking everything up... absolutely fabulous.

In the past month;

extreme joy, sadness, nausea, cold hands and feet, confusion, frustration, ticklish, laughing, anger--punching bag!, haikus, baked goods for you, girl talk, insecurities, being forward, pain in the ass, missing old faces, uncovered feelings, haikus, quick movements, hidden messages, nostalgia, braided extensions, afro, reckless curls, mad faces, sly smiles, bad daughter, fighting, haikus, tweeting, warm clothes, blankets--lots of them, boots every day, new curriculum, haikus, argumentative writing, argumentative speaking, confidence??, constant reminiscing, girl talk, longest conversations, lack of conversation, long silences, big hugs, lack of touch, in touch?, no--oout of touch, nightmares of climate change, snow devours earth, sun works magic, socks, slippers, gloves, hats, snuggle, dry skin, girl talk, chipped nailpolish, messy hair, oily skin, weight gain, doesn't care, loud noises, bass up, vocallllls, lost friends, new friends, old ones reappear, more blankets, bad movies, good ones, lots more laughter, girl talk, breaking barriers, lack of clothes, too many layers, toe wiggling, snuggle, push away, misunderstanding, mis-communication, tears, overcome, detach, re-attach, detach, re-attach, someone new, someone old, here, there, everywhere. blankets.

There is a lot of sad to cover this face.