There is so much to love!
I love polenta(or placenta...for erin..ew), george winston, chocolate chocolate and more chocolate, rolling around in the my backyard with noah, stumbleupon.com, eating my grandpa's homemade chili, harmonizing with mom, singing the entire hallelujah chorus through the halls of cuyahoga falls high school with the a cappella kids, playing heart and soul on the piano, scott joplin's rags, the fact my dad stays up to date with the soap opera "General Hospital", turning the bass up in the car simply to see if anyone notices what i'm listening to, seeing the sunshine pour over the riverfront on the way to school (it actually is really beautiful), cheese-ALL sorts of cheeses mmm, Mr. Thomas (aka smiley sub), showing my friends home movies, speaking in nonsense (my band bus kids know...), toy pianos, looking through old photos, exploring new places, someone making me laugh when i'm crying, staring at the moon and knowing it's the same moon both my sisters sleep under, learning something new everyday, waking up to the sun pouring into my room, watching thunderstorms, sega genesis, Disney World, the millions of the facial expressions noah makes when he's waking up from a nap, Ms warm-ups, Charlie Brown, Rocko's Modern Life, extremely intelligent boys, memories, talking, a good cry, using my imagination, drawing flowers, Rick Moranis, life lessons, the fact that my childhood consisted mostly of making awesome radio stations with Nathan Robinson, my curly hair/curly hair in general, techno, Joni Mitchell, trying new kinds of food, colour!, singing as often as possible, and lastly looking back and not regretting a thing about my life.
31.10.06
29.10.06
Well, this weekend has been up and down to the maaax. But, mostly excellent!
The last football game left me speechless. I know it sounds geeky but it was seriously the coolest ending to my 4 years of dedication to that band. Marching around in the dark on an extremely muddy field without tripping??-It's got to be a first for my graceful self. I'll admit, I cried. Well, twice...once out of anger and once of astonishment. The astonishment was people pulling up their cars to the fence and turning on their headlights and parents taking pictures just to get a little light on the field or the guy with the little tiny flashlight. :-) Our band means a lot to this little city and I'm glad I was a part of it.
I took the ACT yesterday morning, obviously. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. I honestly think I maybe got a 24 or 25, which isn't much of an improvement. The dim lighting in there is what really got me. It made me so tired. Blech.
My evening was pretty good though. I headed over to Steven's and witnessed the coolest version of pong ever, played some excellent games of egyptian ratscrew and BS...though I am terrible at lying, many episodes of most extreme elimination etc.
I'm kinda mad at myself though because I had planned to go over to Ryan's around 9:45-10ish but it didn't work out. Erin Childers called up Laura offering her 5 tickets to Carnival of Horrors and I somehow got talked into going though I repeatedly declined. It was my first haunted house experience so I was nervous. Jeez, I just can't believe people pay money to get stressed out. I'm still tense. It was alright though at the end when I just stared and waved at some clown with a chainsaw about to come after me. I felt good about that.
Today, I didn't sleep in because my dad and Noah tend to yell when they're talking in the morning. I really wish I could sleep in. But, I did get iTunes back!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. It's the new version even and it's so nice to be able to listen to music right now.
We went out to my grandpa's to go trick or treating. I decided this has to be my last year since I've got a week left of being a minor. It was sort of a sad realization. But, walking around in my rubik's cube costume was a hoot...minus almost falling over due to my box collapsing on me loads.
The last football game left me speechless. I know it sounds geeky but it was seriously the coolest ending to my 4 years of dedication to that band. Marching around in the dark on an extremely muddy field without tripping??-It's got to be a first for my graceful self. I'll admit, I cried. Well, twice...once out of anger and once of astonishment. The astonishment was people pulling up their cars to the fence and turning on their headlights and parents taking pictures just to get a little light on the field or the guy with the little tiny flashlight. :-) Our band means a lot to this little city and I'm glad I was a part of it.
I took the ACT yesterday morning, obviously. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. I honestly think I maybe got a 24 or 25, which isn't much of an improvement. The dim lighting in there is what really got me. It made me so tired. Blech.
My evening was pretty good though. I headed over to Steven's and witnessed the coolest version of pong ever, played some excellent games of egyptian ratscrew and BS...though I am terrible at lying, many episodes of most extreme elimination etc.
I'm kinda mad at myself though because I had planned to go over to Ryan's around 9:45-10ish but it didn't work out. Erin Childers called up Laura offering her 5 tickets to Carnival of Horrors and I somehow got talked into going though I repeatedly declined. It was my first haunted house experience so I was nervous. Jeez, I just can't believe people pay money to get stressed out. I'm still tense. It was alright though at the end when I just stared and waved at some clown with a chainsaw about to come after me. I felt good about that.
Today, I didn't sleep in because my dad and Noah tend to yell when they're talking in the morning. I really wish I could sleep in. But, I did get iTunes back!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. It's the new version even and it's so nice to be able to listen to music right now.
We went out to my grandpa's to go trick or treating. I decided this has to be my last year since I've got a week left of being a minor. It was sort of a sad realization. But, walking around in my rubik's cube costume was a hoot...minus almost falling over due to my box collapsing on me loads.
27.10.06
The End
Last football game tonight. I'm not ready.
There goes another chapter of my life.
Oh, and I'm allergic to Herbal Essences products. I knew it already, but I'm stubborn and still try to use them. I get an allergic reaction every single time.
I hope you're reading these, Erin. I miss you.
There goes another chapter of my life.
Oh, and I'm allergic to Herbal Essences products. I knew it already, but I'm stubborn and still try to use them. I get an allergic reaction every single time.
I hope you're reading these, Erin. I miss you.
24.10.06
"I can't do it...I can't do it..you help me"-Noah
The words coming out of that 2 year old's mouth couldn't be more fitting for me right now.
2 weeks until the big 18. I promised myself this year that I would start acting more like an adult and handling life like one. But, I'm guilty of not being able to stand up for myself.
Something my parents let happen from a young age is not letting me do as much on my own. I'm the baby and I liked it to stay that way.
I hate failure, just like any other normal human being. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I hate opening up a test that a teacher puts face down on my desk to reveal that even with a curve I still received a 39%. I hate even more to look around me and to see As, Bs, and high Cs. I hate that I don't even know what to say to Mr. Kern. I'm so embarassed. But, I've never been a pro at test-taking.
This Saturday I'm taking the ACT again with hopes that I can improve my score. I don't need anyone turning the knife a little deeper with their beautiful SAT and ACT scores or the fact they got some award for their GPA or making NHS or hell even qualifying for it.
Where did I go wrong? I used to be a part of that. I used to be the one people came to saying "You're smart, you'll know this." If anyone says it now I always make a sarcastic remark. Is this because I doubt my intelligence now?
...Yeah.
I doubt my ability to do lots of things. I'm getting better, though. Last year I was starting to lose my ability to even just function as a normal person and have a normal conversation with someone. I couldn't remember the names to common everyday items or any decent vocabulary. The more I doubted myself, the more I became the person I thought I was.
It frightens me so that I have the power to destroy myself so easily.
Before I help the rest of the world, I need to help myself. I need to do it. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my dog, not my friends, not my teachers, not my youth pastor, but maybe a higher being. I don't know. I'm young, and I'm pretty confused.
2 weeks until the big 18. I promised myself this year that I would start acting more like an adult and handling life like one. But, I'm guilty of not being able to stand up for myself.
Something my parents let happen from a young age is not letting me do as much on my own. I'm the baby and I liked it to stay that way.
I hate failure, just like any other normal human being. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I hate opening up a test that a teacher puts face down on my desk to reveal that even with a curve I still received a 39%. I hate even more to look around me and to see As, Bs, and high Cs. I hate that I don't even know what to say to Mr. Kern. I'm so embarassed. But, I've never been a pro at test-taking.
This Saturday I'm taking the ACT again with hopes that I can improve my score. I don't need anyone turning the knife a little deeper with their beautiful SAT and ACT scores or the fact they got some award for their GPA or making NHS or hell even qualifying for it.
Where did I go wrong? I used to be a part of that. I used to be the one people came to saying "You're smart, you'll know this." If anyone says it now I always make a sarcastic remark. Is this because I doubt my intelligence now?
...Yeah.
I doubt my ability to do lots of things. I'm getting better, though. Last year I was starting to lose my ability to even just function as a normal person and have a normal conversation with someone. I couldn't remember the names to common everyday items or any decent vocabulary. The more I doubted myself, the more I became the person I thought I was.
It frightens me so that I have the power to destroy myself so easily.
Before I help the rest of the world, I need to help myself. I need to do it. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my dog, not my friends, not my teachers, not my youth pastor, but maybe a higher being. I don't know. I'm young, and I'm pretty confused.
22.10.06
I believe in God. I'm serious. I really truly and full-heartedly believe in God. I believe in him more and more everyday.
I said this prayer last night basically saying...."Hey. God. Um. Hi. I'm sorry. I need your help. I'm serious this time, really. You've got to help me out with my confidence in my appearance and basically all that I do. Now I know that I should be handling this, but I'm not too good at it."
etc etc etc
And, um...yeah it was answered. He heard me.
Not only did I generally feel different today, I felt motivated to start doing research to find out what branch of social work I'm after. I think I found it. I want to work with welfare children and generally families that need some help in starting over on the right foot. My mom is nervous about it, but any type is going to be emotional and any type will cause me to see some really painful things. But, honestly, when I read it, I knew that was the right one.
Amen.
I said this prayer last night basically saying...."Hey. God. Um. Hi. I'm sorry. I need your help. I'm serious this time, really. You've got to help me out with my confidence in my appearance and basically all that I do. Now I know that I should be handling this, but I'm not too good at it."
etc etc etc
And, um...yeah it was answered. He heard me.
Not only did I generally feel different today, I felt motivated to start doing research to find out what branch of social work I'm after. I think I found it. I want to work with welfare children and generally families that need some help in starting over on the right foot. My mom is nervous about it, but any type is going to be emotional and any type will cause me to see some really painful things. But, honestly, when I read it, I knew that was the right one.
Amen.
21.10.06
20.10.06
Why am I not satisfied with any amount of time I get to spend with people? I feel like the 2 months or less I saw Erin, didn't suffice. I already feel like Noah's time with us is breezing by so quickly.
It is going to be so much harder to say goodbye this time. I mean, the attention I get from that little ball of sunshine always makes my day.
When do I ever feel completely healthy? Why is it that those spurts of complete happiness and ease only last a night or a few hours?
I don't know why I feel like my birthday is such a big deal to me this year. Well, I guess it's because I turn 18, but I really would like someone to at least sing to me ON my birthday unlike last year. I don't know, I'm sort of geeky about birthdays...they're a pretty big deal to me.
I miss my friends who are now away at College. I miss having Sarah Morgan around to give me big hugs and not care if I say or do anything stupid. I miss going to the Nat with Katherine and talking about Duvall playing b-ball like a pro and little bouncy asian man. I miss Ian Stroud yelling "Ana(l)" everywhere I go. I miss the "senior" guys from last year a lot at church. It's just so blahh this year. I don't want to sing the music because I'm spoiled by A Cappella. I also can't stand the fact of how short a fuse Brian constantly has with the kids. He never warms us up and no wonder we sound so terrible. I hate how he depends on me to always do these flute solos. I don't have a lot of time to be working on that stuff.
Well, I've been striving recently to break out of my childish habits before I turn 18, but honestly I think this might make it a lot worse. I'll be so sad that I have to change my ways after that date since that's what I was setting myself up for. But, I'll probably still get excitement over my mom buying me a Kid's Cuisine or waving at mascots or balloons or juice or just in general dancing around my family room with by far the craziest moves ever-which I have been doing since I started to walk. :-) Man, I'm glad I got this life for reasons such as that. I wish I could explain in actual words why that makes me smile, but eh.
You know what, and I could cry thinking of all the people I would have never met if we never came up here 7 years ago. My life would have been so completely different. I would have been completely different. Sure, I have had some bad experiences with people here, but I sure was able to find myself eventually. I'm still getting there. I think last year must have been an awkward/in between year for me because I spent so much time complaining, stressing, tensing, crying, and losing my mind unsure of what my purpose even was. I started to doubt if I was really of any use for anyone because I was feeling so dumbed down and boring. It was a definite low compared to how happy I was during sophomore year.
I am so glad I had this summer to pick me back up. If I didn't have movie night each week to look forward to I think it would have been a completely different summer.
I have to admit, I could use still a little more confidence in my presence. I need to be careful not to jump into that rut because no one likes one of thooose.
Aaaaand...
Fin.
It is going to be so much harder to say goodbye this time. I mean, the attention I get from that little ball of sunshine always makes my day.
When do I ever feel completely healthy? Why is it that those spurts of complete happiness and ease only last a night or a few hours?
I don't know why I feel like my birthday is such a big deal to me this year. Well, I guess it's because I turn 18, but I really would like someone to at least sing to me ON my birthday unlike last year. I don't know, I'm sort of geeky about birthdays...they're a pretty big deal to me.
I miss my friends who are now away at College. I miss having Sarah Morgan around to give me big hugs and not care if I say or do anything stupid. I miss going to the Nat with Katherine and talking about Duvall playing b-ball like a pro and little bouncy asian man. I miss Ian Stroud yelling "Ana(l)" everywhere I go. I miss the "senior" guys from last year a lot at church. It's just so blahh this year. I don't want to sing the music because I'm spoiled by A Cappella. I also can't stand the fact of how short a fuse Brian constantly has with the kids. He never warms us up and no wonder we sound so terrible. I hate how he depends on me to always do these flute solos. I don't have a lot of time to be working on that stuff.
Well, I've been striving recently to break out of my childish habits before I turn 18, but honestly I think this might make it a lot worse. I'll be so sad that I have to change my ways after that date since that's what I was setting myself up for. But, I'll probably still get excitement over my mom buying me a Kid's Cuisine or waving at mascots or balloons or juice or just in general dancing around my family room with by far the craziest moves ever-which I have been doing since I started to walk. :-) Man, I'm glad I got this life for reasons such as that. I wish I could explain in actual words why that makes me smile, but eh.
You know what, and I could cry thinking of all the people I would have never met if we never came up here 7 years ago. My life would have been so completely different. I would have been completely different. Sure, I have had some bad experiences with people here, but I sure was able to find myself eventually. I'm still getting there. I think last year must have been an awkward/in between year for me because I spent so much time complaining, stressing, tensing, crying, and losing my mind unsure of what my purpose even was. I started to doubt if I was really of any use for anyone because I was feeling so dumbed down and boring. It was a definite low compared to how happy I was during sophomore year.
I am so glad I had this summer to pick me back up. If I didn't have movie night each week to look forward to I think it would have been a completely different summer.
I have to admit, I could use still a little more confidence in my presence. I need to be careful not to jump into that rut because no one likes one of thooose.
Aaaaand...
Fin.
19.10.06
If you have to ask...you'll never know...
So...I love bread. This is one thing you ought to know about me. I love all kinds of bread and I could eat break for breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday...all of the days!-and I'd be completely content. I mean, who cares about carbs? I sure don't!
I also lately have been in love with scents...the sorts of scents that tickle my nose and wake up my senses. I think scents are so cool. The way they put pictures or memories into my brain and make me smile or cry. For example, there are lots of perfumes that remind me of my sisters...and lately the scent lavender always reminds me of Erin because of her infatuation with the scent. :-)
I realized I have a habit of not allowing myself to leave the house unless I'm presentable, or decently dressed at the minimum...I feel like on a daily basis-it could always be the day that I meet someone extremely important so I've got to give off a good first impression. I used to hate dressing up but anymore I love it. I enjoy being a girl as cliche as that sounds...
Watching Justin Walsh's procession today was one of the most emotional things I've witnessed in a long while. It left me feeling lethargic for the rest of the day.
Life is a strange thing.
I also lately have been in love with scents...the sorts of scents that tickle my nose and wake up my senses. I think scents are so cool. The way they put pictures or memories into my brain and make me smile or cry. For example, there are lots of perfumes that remind me of my sisters...and lately the scent lavender always reminds me of Erin because of her infatuation with the scent. :-)
I realized I have a habit of not allowing myself to leave the house unless I'm presentable, or decently dressed at the minimum...I feel like on a daily basis-it could always be the day that I meet someone extremely important so I've got to give off a good first impression. I used to hate dressing up but anymore I love it. I enjoy being a girl as cliche as that sounds...
Watching Justin Walsh's procession today was one of the most emotional things I've witnessed in a long while. It left me feeling lethargic for the rest of the day.
Life is a strange thing.
18.10.06
And so it begins...
With each new day, I have an even firmer belief that everything happens for a reason.
It is absolutely ideal timing that we would be reading a book such as 'The Awakening' right now or that I just finished 'The Solitaire Mystery'...I feel as if I'm having a a sort of "awakening" myself at this point in my life.
Having Noah home right now is opening my eyes to see the world through such a new light. The little things he says, I feel as if I was most assuredly meant to hear these words. When I walk in the door, he is always excited to see me. That little face running at full speed just to give me a great big hug and grab my hand to play. It breaks my heart that in this time that he is home, I have so many obligations that keep me away from him so constantly. I hate it.
My feelings on homecoming are so incredibly mixed. I want so badly to tell everyone it was great, because I feel like I talked it up to myself. It wasn't what I wanted it to be. Nothing incredible at all. Watching all of these couples and the PDA...ehh...I could have done without it. I am so incredibly frustrated with this high school. I need to find some place, some area, where I feel like there is someone waiting for me. My friends tell me they know I will marry someone extremely unique and unlike anyone would ever know....
I wish I could see that. I wish he'd show up sooner than later. Yeah, it would be nice. Granted, I love not having to worry about a relationship, but there's something missing from my minor years. I will be 18 years old in less than 3 weeks and I haven't even been kissed. Yeah Yeah...not a huge priority.
The reason I started this blog is to get away from xanga. I feel so strongly that I don't have as much of a creative expression because of certain people viewing it...terrible I know. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks.
But, speakings of things, lately I have been driving myself crazy within upset over having certain guys in front of me, with many of the qualities I am looking for-but my knowing that they have no interest. I feel so incredibly stupid. I don't even remember what "signs" to look for. It's hard when you find so much in common with someone, or just in general someone who gets you and doesn't tease you about the things you like to do or eat...well, I guess I should just be content.
Overall, this blog is the real deal. This is me, you don't have to read it for heaven's sake....
It is absolutely ideal timing that we would be reading a book such as 'The Awakening' right now or that I just finished 'The Solitaire Mystery'...I feel as if I'm having a a sort of "awakening" myself at this point in my life.
Having Noah home right now is opening my eyes to see the world through such a new light. The little things he says, I feel as if I was most assuredly meant to hear these words. When I walk in the door, he is always excited to see me. That little face running at full speed just to give me a great big hug and grab my hand to play. It breaks my heart that in this time that he is home, I have so many obligations that keep me away from him so constantly. I hate it.
My feelings on homecoming are so incredibly mixed. I want so badly to tell everyone it was great, because I feel like I talked it up to myself. It wasn't what I wanted it to be. Nothing incredible at all. Watching all of these couples and the PDA...ehh...I could have done without it. I am so incredibly frustrated with this high school. I need to find some place, some area, where I feel like there is someone waiting for me. My friends tell me they know I will marry someone extremely unique and unlike anyone would ever know....
I wish I could see that. I wish he'd show up sooner than later. Yeah, it would be nice. Granted, I love not having to worry about a relationship, but there's something missing from my minor years. I will be 18 years old in less than 3 weeks and I haven't even been kissed. Yeah Yeah...not a huge priority.
The reason I started this blog is to get away from xanga. I feel so strongly that I don't have as much of a creative expression because of certain people viewing it...terrible I know. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks.
But, speakings of things, lately I have been driving myself crazy within upset over having certain guys in front of me, with many of the qualities I am looking for-but my knowing that they have no interest. I feel so incredibly stupid. I don't even remember what "signs" to look for. It's hard when you find so much in common with someone, or just in general someone who gets you and doesn't tease you about the things you like to do or eat...well, I guess I should just be content.
Overall, this blog is the real deal. This is me, you don't have to read it for heaven's sake....
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