I keep thinking "I want the old 'me' back"...but the more I think about it, I don't even know who that is. Was there ever a 'me' that was really that happy? I don't know. I feel like this battle is never-ending. I want to rip whatever it is out of me. It's not fair. I want to wake up confident and assured that every day is worth it. It's affecting my school work more than ever and that's what breaks my heart the most.

I randomly get spurts that remind me what I love and what brings me joy, only soon after to forget it.

I've never questioned the phrase "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" so much before... I've been trying to be good and love and care my whole life. It has backfired way more than gone well. I've scared away every single guy by doing nice things. Why does this have to keep happening? I know, whatever, I'm in the wrong place... but I'm stuck here for another 2-2.5 years.. I would like something to go sorta right.

My heart is too big to handle and I wish it had never gotten this way. Am I doing this all wrong?

It's scary calling out for help and not getting an answer. It's finally something I can admit I am not capable of fixing on my own. But, I still shudder at the idea of talking to a stranger.

I want happiness to be a more common thing to feel.

I feel like a wounded puppy or a little girl crying around an oblivious crowd.

If given the chance someday...

I would bake you cookies 2-3 times a week or whatever you want, really.. I would hug you so tightly, especially when your tears soak my shirt. I would burrow myself into your chest knowing no greater feeling. I would lace my fingers so delicately in yours and always be careful not to hurt you. I would kiss the top of your head when I leave and make sure you were tucked quietly and comfortably in. I would pick you flowers even if you didn't want them, just to prove how happy you make me...I would give you back massages every day even if I never got one in return. I would always remember your favorite little things and make them present often. I would make us picnics for the park--the fanciest set-up you'd ever see!

I want to wear my prettiest dress for you.

I want to bring my sisters home and hug them tightly for a week straight. I want to pick up my nephew and swing him around followed by falling onto the grass and rolling around til we are sick... I want to hear his questions and feel proud at my ability to answer them.

I want to be able to spend time with my brother-in-law and receive his bear like hugs that make you feel happier than people would believe was humanly possible.

I want to go down a line of my friends and tell them what they mean to me and hug them in such a way that sums up just how much I love I have for them.

I want to thank the people in my life for being here for me even when I've been unstable. I'm on the road to something good.. I just might take a little longer than most. I might cry a little more than usual as I knock down these road blocks with as much force as I can muster.

I am taking time out to breathe every day.. from now on. I have to.

Fuck my heart and the fact that every day is becomes harder and harder to feel actual happiness. I feel like I've lost control completely.

"I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began it's downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
-I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
-Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
-Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' - he said
"It's all in your head,' and I said, "So's everything' -
But he didn't get it - I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
-Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
-Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
-Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
-Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love"
-Fiona Apple

Just going to be listening to this on repeat forever...as I have been for years.

I love my friends all very dearly & try to be there for them as much as I possibly can. However, I'm getting worn down by trying to play mediator or matchmaker or give them the push to date the person they like. I'm so happy for my friends' happiness but it's hard to enjoy it when I feel so separated from that world.

I turn 21 next week and I've yet to even officially date anyone. (not including my 10th grade 4 day relationship)

It's not a pity party but I get tired of being independent all the time & only depending on myself or my dog for cuddles. I can't tell you how bad I want to be held again. I want to be held by someone who cares. I don't even know how that feels. I've had interest in guys & even been so happy I could cry over a boy... but at the end of the day my heart just hurts because I know the feeling isn't mutual.

I'm sorry.

I'm here. I'm coming back... slowly, but surely. I've missed myself for a while. But, it's good to know the me I like is returning.

listing things...
-wish I didn't feel attraction to boys or humans or anything at all really... waste of energy
-I keep thinking about the next 3-4 semesters and it's making me nauseous trying to imagine me surviving... (I'm not that book-smart anymore...)
-I wasted a lot of time last semester doing some pretty stupid shit and it has caught up with me now.
-I haven't felt like socializing lately because I don't want to see certain people and, overall, Kent has gotten really nasty/rude/cold.
-I have been spending a lot of time with my mom and I'm okay with this, regardless of what anyone thinks.
-Don't talk about your relationships/boy-girl successes to me.. I'm the wrong person to talk to right now. I'm pretty bitter.. sorry.
-I'm only trying in school. (I guess that's for the best)
-I miss a lot.
-I've had the urge to yell "fuck you" A LOT, lately.. and by A LOT, I mean basically every single day.
-My weekends have been boring due to my stupid behavior and new found introversion.
-Found out I've fucked up in a lot of ways as a person and trying to fix it is really really painful.
-Not looking forward to anything. Honestly.

It's been hard finding my purpose since the internship ended. My 3 weeks of summer were spent trying to fit in as much time as possible with Bethany and then finishing my up ugly reminder of may 29th.

School has begun and it's probably my most significant semester yet. My classes are all very appealing and I can see the benefits of them all.. even my world music course, oddly.

However, outside of school.. um.. I'd rather not talk about that.

It's amazing what rearranging your room can do, in a matter of a few hours.

I took down everything, stored away what I didn't need, and simplified it all. My history of being a packrat will forever haunt me, but I don't need a million jones soda bottles and random tickets from concerts lingering around my room at this age. I need a space that is organized and makes sense for what is to come in my life.

I've watched all of my friends moving this weekend and I think it definitely sparked my own "moving". I wanted to see my things in a different light.

I think 2 of my favorite things have to be the fact that I brought my desk in and also that I moved my bed next to the window. Now, I can enjoy the breeze that floats and not be so tempted to sleep in. :)

I met someone.. he's my age, for once. He's an environmental science major too.. an intern in the Cuyahoga Valley with me.. mennonite.. good-hearted.. a smile that would light up any and all rooms.. and I generally get an incredible vibe from him that I don't remember ever feeling before.. the catch is?--He goes to school in New Jersey..

It's just my luck.. but I'm hopeful.

I think practicing feng shui will change my attitude a lot.

I'm not a bad person.. at least I like to think I'm not. I try to be a good friend, daughter, sister, etc.. though I fail miserably at time. But, it's the thought that counts.

Regardless, I don't think I deserve to be repeatedly screwed over. I have never had anything physical with someone who cares about me and it hasn't really bothered me much up until now. I am filled with a feeling of disgust and I want to clean it all out.

I'm not happy. I'm trying to muster up a fake smile and it doesn't even last.

I only want lust and can't imagine myself in love anymore.

We dont want to sleep tonight
Still young like that i count the lines
Beside your mouth that smiles now
My arms reach up as you go down
With buried heads we both forget
All of the past and its regret
Wind picks up, the window shakes
We wont hear the morning break

You will cry
And i will cry
'Cause all the love's
Alive tonight

Neighbourhoods will try to dream
While you and me we hold and lean
Onto bodies slick and charged
Together just one beating heart
All around us quiet now
We hear the leaves fall to the ground
Morning light upon our bed
An ally while i catch your breath

You will cry
And i will cry
'Cause all the love's
Alive tonight
You will cry.....

Woah woah woah, could life get cooler? AWESOME

!

I am normally quite proud in saying that I can get over people fast. I am very good at moving on and starting new chapters, ignoring past ones.

This time it was different. When you share parts of yourself that had never been unlocked and revealed, it's different. I suppose now is better than later. But, it still hurts. It's an underlying feeling all day. It seeps into the night too. It lingers over all that I do. I sit back, look at my life, and I'm questioning if it was the right decision. I should have known better at the time. I want you to get over here and give that back to me. It's mine. You're running around with parts of me that I know you'll never be able to return. It's not your fault.. is it? Is it mine? I think so.

I want to detach and remove, but it's like tacky glue. I remove one part and I find another is tugging. Stop it! I want to erase it all. But, I know that's not the right thing to do. You're doing the right thing now, distancing yourself. I know you're doing it to help me. I wish I had your help, ironically enough.

I can't move forward, my feet are sticking. I've got to, though! There is so much to do. There is so much out there waiting for me to see.

I've been letting Yann Tiersen lead the way for me in the past week. It's a slow process, I feel.

It scares me how lightly people take so many things in life. The things we try, do and remove from ourselves.. the way we abuse ourselves. We separate from reality as often as possible because we're scared. By doing this, reality becomes increasingly frightening. Our interactions with others become harder and appreciation for things like 65 degree days in february or march are not there as much as they used to be. Our passion for what we once loved is hard to uncover beneath all of the guilt and frustration. The top layer, and maybe the few other layers beneath are all looking quite disastrous. Where did we go? What keeps us going is unconditional love. It exists, you know. The forgiving people in our lives keep us alive.

I cook/bake to make myself feel exponentially better. It always works.

I feel 500% greater.

It always always always comes in spurts. I don't know why I and so many others are afraid to ask for help. We are begging in our own way but won't voice it correctly. I am crying out in so many ways but not reaching in the right direction(s).

It's in my eyes.. my eyelids are heavier, no matter how I try. I can't settle down. I'm telling people too much. I can't hold back from losing it.

I remember the way I used to dream.. I've lost this about me.

I love my parents. I want to make sure they know this.

Yesterday my mom left me a note saying "I have broccoli, isn't that cool?". She wanted me to make broccoli cheese soup. :)

Liberating, I think that's the word. I didn't really expect that feeling. The sky looks brighter, my head also feels less cloudy, and the light is at the end of the tunnel--I see it!

It's a weird connection, though. I am sort of fearful, but strangely calm. I wish it was warm enough to lay in the grass. I'm afraid that is all I would like to do today.

I am scheduling appointments for two things I have put off taking care of for a long time. I must recognize that my health is very important--all facets of it. I just hope I don't get too nervous once I meet with each doctor. I am much more afraid of one doctor over the other. They're a stranger.. How am I supposed to feel comfortable instantly around a stranger?

...

What a ridiculous weekend. It was good ridiculous, by the way.

"There's a couple of Peruvian musicians playing in the little grassy island in the street near the pier, and maybe fifty people--locals and vacationers--have gathered around, offering their bland end-of-summer faces to the sound. I edge my way through the crowd and find a seat where I can see the musicians up close--the beautiful young guitarist and the taller man playing the flute. What are they doing in this rinky-dink blue-collar resort, and what does the audience make of this surprise visit from the dark-skinned south? The melody the flute lays out over the percussion is both utterly strange and completely familiar, as if had been imprinted in the minds of my own peasant ancestors centuries ago and forgotten until this very moment. Everyone else seems to be as transfixed as I am. The musicians wink and smile at each other as they play, and I see then they are secret emissaries of a worldwide lower-class conspiracy to snatch joy out of degradation and filth."
-from Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich

I need to fix myself.

Beautiful job fucking everything up... absolutely fabulous.

In the past month;

extreme joy, sadness, nausea, cold hands and feet, confusion, frustration, ticklish, laughing, anger--punching bag!, haikus, baked goods for you, girl talk, insecurities, being forward, pain in the ass, missing old faces, uncovered feelings, haikus, quick movements, hidden messages, nostalgia, braided extensions, afro, reckless curls, mad faces, sly smiles, bad daughter, fighting, haikus, tweeting, warm clothes, blankets--lots of them, boots every day, new curriculum, haikus, argumentative writing, argumentative speaking, confidence??, constant reminiscing, girl talk, longest conversations, lack of conversation, long silences, big hugs, lack of touch, in touch?, no--oout of touch, nightmares of climate change, snow devours earth, sun works magic, socks, slippers, gloves, hats, snuggle, dry skin, girl talk, chipped nailpolish, messy hair, oily skin, weight gain, doesn't care, loud noises, bass up, vocallllls, lost friends, new friends, old ones reappear, more blankets, bad movies, good ones, lots more laughter, girl talk, breaking barriers, lack of clothes, too many layers, toe wiggling, snuggle, push away, misunderstanding, mis-communication, tears, overcome, detach, re-attach, detach, re-attach, someone new, someone old, here, there, everywhere. blankets.

There is a lot of sad to cover this face.

"What if we stopped having a ball
What if the paint chips from the wall
What if there's always cups in the sink
What if I'm not what you think I am
What if I fall further than you
What if you dream of somebody new
What if I never let you win-- chase you with a rolling pin-- Well, what if I do?

Cause I am giving up on making
passes, and I am giving up on half empty glasses, and I am giving up on greener grasses. I am giving up."


I am a melodramatic pop song.

I have been heading towards disaster lately. It's not so smart. I haven't been myself. It's not fun.

You give me writer's block.

I can't help but wonder which day is going to be the last day. Don't forget about me, please.

"Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better."

It's so delicate. I hope I don't mess up.

impossible to believe

Can I make you smile? I hope so !

we'll see.

new year and completely new things.. but pretty exciting ones, i think. :)