For the absolute first time in my life, I said I hated someone and I MEANT it..I still mean it, too.

Baaahh

There is no substance in everyday life unless it has my favorite elements. Without these elements my world just melts into a viscous pile of disgusting. I don't even feel like explaining myself to everyone anymore.

I can't expect people to just automatically understand me, though. It's so extremely selfish of me.

The sooner I am out of here, the happier I will be.

The more I am around my favorite elements, I have faith I will survive these dreadful days.

In other news, STOP it. I get the picture!-things aren't the way I wish they were. I don't understand why I must be tortured through this.

I think the acoustics may have gotten better inside of these walls, or maybe it had been selective hearing. It's really hard to tell. Often times people have to witness something first hand to really understand how someone else is feeling about a situation.

Stop...Focus. Stare straight ahead and narrow in on one object for x amount of time.

Can I do it? Right now-no.

I can't wait to have my life returned to me.

I also wish I'd stop running into certain people wherever I go....broken record.

And then, I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw both within and externally.

Gahh. Every freaking time I turn around-there it is. Go away.

Week of January 21st-Be gone!

Blaaaaaaaahh craziest weekend of my entire senior year is THIS weekend.

I don't like you, disgusting school. I don't like your academics, your people, you lack of cleanliness, the way each room is a different temperature, the lighting of your AP Gov class, or the way I've seen you more than enough in the past few months.

Yuck!! Also, some people make me positively nauseous. Bad elements. You can't stand it when you don't get their attention, can you? Well too bad, you can't own a person.

In other news..this summer-extensions!

I can't sit here and pretend that you don't light up my entire world as of lately.

Blech. I was hoping that ache would go away by now. You've just made it about 500 times harder.

I was so close.

Counting my blessings is probably my best option right now.

You might think it's amusing or funny...

But, I don't. I'm not laughing at all on the inside anymore.

"Just watch it unravel..."-mom

Inhale...hold, 1, 2, 3....Exhale...

Communication. Talk talk talk talk talk...don't always bite your tongue. Take time out of your day/week(depending on your amount of free time) to make people aware of what's going on in your life.

Repeat your breathing...

Well, ouch, this is hard. In the past 2 weeks I have been watching the Ms set come together so quickly. It didn't hit me until tonight just how amazing I feel about it all. Wow. In the words of Shawn; "Hell yeah!". I did not think I would be talking so highly of it or feeling so proud of myself. If this group can take myself, someone with almost zero dance experience and make me look decent...wow. In regards to all of this, I had to make a tough decision....

Originally Kyle Auckland and I had made Tara and Shawn aware that we would be missing our second competition on March 24th. I obviously was going to be missing this competition because of choir tour. But...

Yeah, I have been weighing things out a lot and I just don't know what I would regret more. I really really adore our YF program at church, but I have been thoroughly disappointed with the choir. There is such a lack of discipline this year and such a surplus of 7th graders. I haven't even been able to be as committed as I would have liked to have been. I used to complain about people like myself. I hated when people who never showed up until a few weeks before tour because of "M&Ms" decided they still had to go. I don't want to "be that guy". I also have zero interest in the music this year and feel like when I am there I have to destroy my voice to be of any help. Brian doesn't want me there because he'll "miss" me. He wants my voice. I want to stay committed to the youth group, but I don't know if I can be to the choir. Aaron, I know you probably read this, and I love what you do for this group. I apologize to you that I haven't been exactly as faithful as I would have liked to have been this year. I do plan on sticking around as much as I can next year just to hear what you have to say. So, what I am basically saying is that I decided I'm not going on choir tour this year.

We are only doing 2 competitions aside from the Classic and for me to put already so much time into this group, why miss a competition? I talked it over with my mom, and she has put it all in my hands. (which is nice)

I am aware that this is my senior year and it is my last chance to do all of these things yadda yadda yaddaa aaaaah...hold the press! Relax. Life will go on.

Anyway, I'm doing alright today. (if you were wondering...) It's nice to be talking with someone again...even if it's a slow process.

Oh seester, I sure do loooove you

I miss you, E.

I couldn't tell you why I do the things that I do. But, why should I have to explain?

Oops. Nothing goes the way we wish it would.

Blind. Absolutely blindfolded or was it really my vision? No. I was blindfolded. I took the blindfold off and I was so aggravated. All of these years were wasted on silly attempts. What I confused as being a serious cry for help was simply a cry for attention. I kept blaming myself because I couldn't see what was going on. I thought it had to do with the whole fact I was born. It's a good thing I found the tie around the back of my head so I could see clearly for once.

But, what now? Apparently my voice is really muffled inside these walls. Is it the acoustics or is it selective hearing? Hm. Well, once my voice is audible, let me know. There's some pretty important things I've been trying to make these confines aware of.

Could you hand me that clean sheet of paper over there?...

I stepped back and tried to marvel, but I'm struggling with it. I only enjoy it temporarily.

I want to restore that old emotion. It never really has even become "old". It just never likes to visit for more than a moment. I can't even find the right threads to mend this. It's such a shame. The beauty is disintegrating all around me.

So, I haven't been able to get my puzzle pieces even remotely in order. I keep trying to even just find all of the edge pieces or the solid colour ones and they keep getting flipped over or stepped on and I have to start over. I have been sitting here for the past few days trying to do it on my own until finally I admitted that I had a dilemma. Wow, what a relief to get if off my chest. Once I let one person in, I was able to let more. Now, my puzzle is a little over half way done and the lesson is obviously that I couldn't get it done on my own.

Maybe I wasn't quite ready to go cold turkey on this independent idea. Don't bottle!

I wish you were invisible.....






..actually..I just wish you'd apologize so I'd stop hurting.

"I'm just mad about saffron, saffron's mad about me..."

Our newest addition to the Sigler family...Saffron. We were told he was part golden retriever part dachshund and instantly I said "Yeeeeees"

"I was lost, but now I am found."

I can't even write on here what is going through my head. Abby knows a bit about it. :-) I feel so guilty...but I am allowed to do as I please. Ah, the beauty of the single life. I never seem to appreciate it enough.

I love these people in my life. I love connecting with people in a way I have never connected before. I can sit around with my hair an absolute disaster, my face breaking out, my head lost, and my heart destroyed and not be judged. This is the most comforting feeling ever...but I am almost not sure if I was ready to feel it?

This bridge is a lot harder to climb than I had expected. I can't wait to get over it so I don't have to see you every time I turn around anymore.

Why am I so scared of living?

"Is it possible, finally, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?"

Yesterday, I woke up to the clearest skies-both literally and figuratively! (Is that some sort of oxymoron??)

My eyes, head, ears, and senses in general all opened up. I felt so awake and ready to take on life. (my absolute favorite feeling, of course!) I was so driven that I made myself a purse in a very short amount of time. I have a feeling I was getting a little crazy by the end though.

To people who have caused me grief in the past 2 weeks, I thank you! You see, I would not be appreciating things so much right now if it weren't for you people who treated me like shit or lied to me. :-)

To one person in particular, have a blast. You went the complete opposite way in your decision. I thought you were more mature than that. We'll see how long it lasts.

I am feeling whole! Happy New Year, indeed.

Amen!!!!