I love my friends all very dearly & try to be there for them as much as I possibly can. However, I'm getting worn down by trying to play mediator or matchmaker or give them the push to date the person they like. I'm so happy for my friends' happiness but it's hard to enjoy it when I feel so separated from that world.

I turn 21 next week and I've yet to even officially date anyone. (not including my 10th grade 4 day relationship)

It's not a pity party but I get tired of being independent all the time & only depending on myself or my dog for cuddles. I can't tell you how bad I want to be held again. I want to be held by someone who cares. I don't even know how that feels. I've had interest in guys & even been so happy I could cry over a boy... but at the end of the day my heart just hurts because I know the feeling isn't mutual.

I'm sorry.

I'm here. I'm coming back... slowly, but surely. I've missed myself for a while. But, it's good to know the me I like is returning.

listing things...
-wish I didn't feel attraction to boys or humans or anything at all really... waste of energy
-I keep thinking about the next 3-4 semesters and it's making me nauseous trying to imagine me surviving... (I'm not that book-smart anymore...)
-I wasted a lot of time last semester doing some pretty stupid shit and it has caught up with me now.
-I haven't felt like socializing lately because I don't want to see certain people and, overall, Kent has gotten really nasty/rude/cold.
-I have been spending a lot of time with my mom and I'm okay with this, regardless of what anyone thinks.
-Don't talk about your relationships/boy-girl successes to me.. I'm the wrong person to talk to right now. I'm pretty bitter.. sorry.
-I'm only trying in school. (I guess that's for the best)
-I miss a lot.
-I've had the urge to yell "fuck you" A LOT, lately.. and by A LOT, I mean basically every single day.
-My weekends have been boring due to my stupid behavior and new found introversion.
-Found out I've fucked up in a lot of ways as a person and trying to fix it is really really painful.
-Not looking forward to anything. Honestly.