Your laugh brings a ridiculous amount of joy into my heart. I cannot believe 4 years has past. Happy Birthday, beautiful boy.

It's funny, I drink hot tea more than 2 times daily but each time it's just as surprising. The process of making it definitely comes in as a factor. If it's among friends there is the initial small talk pre-boiling water. Making tea for someone else has to be by far one of the most permagrin-worthy things. But, just now, making it for myself after dinner, I wasn't expecting much. I boiled the water, picked out my tea, set it up, began steeping..

I came back approx 2-3 minutes later to dive in. Boy, did I dive in. I am insta-relaxed and my senses feel as if they've been re-tuned.

I used to be able to vaguely express my thoughts but I'm quickly losing my ability to do so. Instead, I am possibly releasing them onto the shoulders of those who do not need it.

But, a part of me is missing. I have been feeling it a lot in the past few days, especially today. My words weren't lining up the way I saw them. I can feel the world trying to pry me up, though.

I can feel it in my taste buds and in my vocal chords.

If I could spend every day exercising my vocal range by letting it reverberate against high ceilings and kitchen appliances, life would make sense. I could do without most other things. My fingers could permanently smell like cilantro, tomatoes, lemon, fresh basil and I would be eternally glad. I don't need anything else to complicate things.

So much of what is occurring lately feels like I'm semi-permanently living in a state of déjà vu.

PS I have the coldest feet in the world, always..and not in a metaphorical sense. Also, all Christmas music is doing for me this year is making me cry. I wish you were here to sing Come Thou Fount, Erin.

I tossed the topsy-turvy upside down butterflies into the atmosphere expecting them to disintegrate...it didn't work and now they're just jamming everything up.

Please remind me of how/why this was fair.. ??

Someone tell me how to feel. I'm not doing a very good job.

"Show me a man anywhere in the whole wide world who knows and loves clouds more than I! Or show me anything more beautiful. They are a play thing and comfort to the eye, a blessing and a gift of God; they also contain wrath and the power of death. They are as delicate, soft, and gentle as the souls of newborn babes, as beautiful, rich, and prodigal as good angels, yet somber, inescapable, and merciless as the emissaries of death. They hover as a silvery film and sail past smiling and gold-edged; they hang poised, tinged yellow, red, and blue. Darkly, slowly they slink past like murderers, roaring head-over-heels like mad horsemen, drooping sadly and dreamily in the pale heights like melancholy hermits. They assume the shapes of blessed isles and guardian angels, resemble threatening hands, fluttering sails, migrating cranes. They hover between God's heaven and the poor earth like beautiful likeness of man's every yearning and partake of both realms--dreams of the earth in which the sullied soul cleaves to the pure heaven above. They are the eternal symbol of all voyaging, of every quest and yearning for home. And as the clouds are suspended faint heartedly and longingly and stubbornly between time and eternity.
O lovely, floating, restless clouds! I was an ignorant child and loved them, watched them, little knowing that I would drift through life like a cloud--voyaging, everywhere a stranger, hovering between time and eternity. Ever since childhood they have been my dear friends and sisters. There is not a street I cross without our nodding and greeting each other. Nor did I ever forget what they taught me then: their shapes, their features, their games, their roundelays and dances, their repose, and their strange stories in which elements of heaven and earth mingled."-From Peter Camenzind by Herman Hesse

Unreal moments really screw with the fact I know I don't have time to feel right now. Maybe another time, another place, other people...but not right now, please.

The clouds, my security blanket, have been scattering to let the sun melt across the sky and work to clear my senses...I'm so frightened and exposed.

We need to shake up routine every now and then...we need to delete all sleep some nights only to sleep all day the next....we need to have a day overflowing with bad luck only to have tomorrow dropping dollops of good luck all over the place...sometimes the end to another friendship only is to be followed with bright new ones sprinkling sunshine all over my senses...

happiness is abundant...life as of late is crunchy leaves and dancing on the esplanade and a beautiful 4 year old named Noa(h) leaping into my arms and wednesday stickers...

:-)

It was nearing a year ago that you told me we wouldn't work because you weren't even feeling real attraction towards any girl lately due to an imbalance in your brain. I didn't understand you. You were probably lying to me, now that I think about it. Anyway, none of that matters now.

But, even if you were lying...I know that feeling is possible. I cannot find it in me as of late to feel anything towards anyone.

I was sure life would change a great deal with college starting..and for the most part, it did. However, I'm nearing 19 and I still cannot find the part of me which could feel love. My standards have gotten more strict and I'm let down more rapidly than before. I see plenty of interesting menfolk all over the place, but they don't have that spark I'm looking for.

I want him to approach me, sweep me off my feet, dance 'til our toes fall off..then we can go home, grab a cup of tea and we'll take turns making our favorite foods for each other. After this, he'll surprise me with a picnic, because he'll just know all I think about is food...so we'll ride our bicycles to the destination with the picnic basket strapped on the back of peugeot gris with her beautiful vine of flowers blowing in the wind. After picnicking, we'll go steal sunflowers from the garden next to Angel Falls Coffee. Then we'll meander over to his front porch where he'll play banjo for me until my ears melt into nothing. The extravaganza will finish with a late night hike (which I plan on getting good at)...'til the wee hours of the morn.
the end.
PS there will be dancing in between all activities, also.

What I'm trying to get at is...I'm bored.

I think that if someone forced me to pick one genre I had to listen to for the rest of my life, it would ultimately be folk.

I would lose my ability to function without folk music.

Thanks.

:-(

I think I have officially hit the biggest writer's block.

The thoughts are brewing, I can feel them, but nothing is spilling onto the paper as I would like it to.

But, just so everyone knows, if you hear I am telling people that there is someone in my life, it is only to get the constant creeps off my back as of late. I decided to even begin wearing a "promise" ring.

What could it hurt?

I am worn. I am hollow. I am losing my emotions in small frightening spurts.

I suddenly become overwhelmed by the world's weight and cannot find any means of support.

But I am fine, really. I'm just depending far too much on the clouds to keep me up.

Peugeot gris > Mt. Fury

French road bikes have so much class.

Some days seem harder than others to keep my head up, but I keep on pushing. The scariest moments are atop Mt. Fury just before sunrise. I find myself struggling to keep peddling, but it eases when I think of what is to come from today, tomorrow and the next day...and the day after that..

Well, the good news is that my health has finally gotten back to normal for the most part. The new thing I guess is that I can't seem let one bruise fade away before getting a new, even greater one. I blame Mt. Fury for most of them. Mt. Fury's patriotic bell fell off while we were swiftly moving to class earlier this week...aye. Alas, I retrieved it but had to explain to her that was the last straw with her patriotism for America...yuck.

I finally gave blood again this week...so so glad. I have enough time to give again before I get the next tattoo. :-D

If there's one thing I admire in a man, it's one who can carry an exquisite conversation, almost void of pauses. It's too bad almost all the men I have come across so far kiss that rank stick of tobacco far too often.

Apparently I am not with the times...

I suppose I appreciate my health far too much to risk anything anymore. Sorry.

I don't think I want any man, especially an elderly one, to ever call me "Princess" ever again.

End.

So, men, 55+, have been coming into my life a lot lately. They like my style, they respect my plans for my future, they enjoy my dancing, they want to sit down at tables with me, and they like to smile at me.

Hmph.

It is really frustrating that my body reacts to huge new events in my life in such a way...

The day of my graduation party I was completely nauseous and had literally no appetite whatsoever for all of the incredible food my mother made...this also continued on to actual Commencement and the all-nighter where I felt sure I would pass out.

The past two weeks must have really overwhelmed me, but my spirit didn't feel that way. I managed to scratch my eye, have a fever for a few days, strep throat for another few days and then, for the past 10 days I have hardly slept because my back pain keeps me up and prevents me from being able to sit, stand, or lay comfortably anywhere.

I fear my irritability is going to conflict with my daily routine and I do not want to take this out on anyone. I need to see a chiropractor but my parents do not encourage it...

???

I'm pretty sure my life is still lovely. I got to dance on stage during an incredible concert featuring two wonderfully talented and interesting women. Wowzah! Kent is going to like us, I think.

I love my world. I love when I can close my eyes in Kent, Ohio, sitting atop my bicycle and feel a breeze and suddenly! BAM! I'm in Bar Harbor, Maine...watching the boats at the docks.

Did you know all of the emotions I have been feeling in the past few months/year/few years are normal? It's OK to wake up some days and not have a clue where to take myself.

But, what really keeps me going is having 2 best friends who don't give up on me whatever the weather(no pun intended) and a family who knows I'm going to make it out there somewhere.

What a truly beautiful new feeling to wake up and appreciate such strange little quirks I have and to really accept how great flaws are.

My first week has finally come to an end and I came out feeling fantastic minus some back pains which aren't toootally related to this week anyhow. I feel so exuberant with the prospect of meeting so many interesting folk so soon...or maybe not soon? I don't mind, you can take your time. :-)

This week has been a whirlwind of excitement, anticipation, and even sadness.

Is it possible to feel so incredibly connected and yet so disconnected to thousands of people crossing your paths all at one particular location?

We are all feeling so much exhilaration for what lies ahead. It is wonderful to think of all of the opportunities to cross paths with people from all walks of life. My world has definitely expanded a great sum in such a short period of time. I feel I have also changed a whole lot in the past few days.

I feel a strange new sense of confidence in every place I go. It is not an ego, but rather a carefree feeling and zero worries of how I appear to the rest of the world.

Nothing has hurt me more in the past week than being hit with the realization that Kent State, in fact, does not carry my major or even carry specifically Meteorology as a minor. As I discovered this, I couldn't help but begin to cry. I thought it was right at my fingertips and now it has vanished, or rather, shrunken to this one course only delivering me "The Fundamentals of Meteorology".

Everyone can constantly question whether I'm really cut out for it, but it won't stop me. My passion grows and grows with each passing day and I become more and more desperate for any slight mentioning or relation to the atmosphere.

I've begun reading up on the clouds and teaching myself things as my schedule allows it because I've no idea where else to begin.

My friends are surrounded with people on campus sharing the same major, or other majors which are quite similar. And I, I have no one, so it seems. (At least at Kent State..)

Why are so few people interested in the mystery of our day to day highs and lows, the way our clouds can tell us what is to come or how no matter how hard we try we won't be able to know for sure just how powerful the next tropical storm or hurricane will be?

The closest thing I have is my World Geography class and my 7 Ideas course(Physics)...The world is such a wonderfully beautiful place and no one is nearly excited about discovering the incredible sights and sounds outside doors.

Have you ever seen Mammatus clouds? Well, they're one of the most gorgeous sights. How about a corona?-or the breathtaking Aurora Borealis rays?





I want to see it all and study it all and take it all in...

But..I can't right now...and it sucks.

Maybe I'll give Mark Johnson a call about his storm chasing course through News Channel 5... :-)

"buuuttt iii ddooooon't waaaant toooo!!"

Suck it up soldier.

No more dependency.

Whatever is about to smack me in the face or light my world--awwwesssomee!!

"when they ask me what i've seen i'll say saturn and soliloquies
walden pond, hypocrisy, tetris, and insanity
debt and dope and apathy, ode to joy and pool parties
smooch and run and ancestry, arthur ashe and manatees
sailboats, necessity, lepidopterology
the cave of time, dignity, cirque du soleil and lethargy
surface area, rosaries, fair is fair and billie jean
vonnegut at the university, karmic retribution and bigotry
thyroglossal duct cysts, celibacy, love on the rocks, anonymity
osgood schlatter in my left knee, sad flute solos and decaf tea
silly friends, incontinency, yertle the turtle and hierarchy
do it for johnny, pepsilepsy, powder blue ten speeds and puberty
sylvia plath, conspiracies, bad medicine, karaoke
passing gas, irrelevancy, seize the day and let it be
loving dumb skaters who love pcp, dying and dancing on mtv
close calls and infinity, little kids who look up to me
it's the end of the world as we know it and we didn't start the fire and adam green
i need more time to think, don't you think?"

"All of a sudden I miss everyone.."

Here was my world...right at my fingertips...just waiting for me to grab on and LIVE. What took me so long to decide to live??

I feel my heart racing and eyes welling up with tears because I am so loved. I am so fucking blessed. My whole life I have been struggling with friendships because people could never handle my wishy washy personality/my overly passive attitude...I constantly got trampled all over and didn't speak up once.

This time they're not giving up on me. I'm not giving up on them either. I don't see myself ever feeling that way.

I always like to think of my life as a jigsaw puzzle...because, damn it, I love puzzles but jigsaw puzzles are so crazy. I did this butterfly jigsaw puzzle one time and some of the pieces were shaped like seahorses and umbrellas. What a beautiful bunch of seahorses, umbrellas, and other creatures surround me.

I don't even know if I deserve what I'm getting right now. I haven't felt so elated in years. I guess I have taken a turn for the better.

Blaghhh I cannot even put into words how I am feeling and I don't even have a visual for you. My love is stretching across every sea and continent and around for days on end.

Finally. :-)

"Dear brothers and sisters
dear enemies and friends

Why are we all so alone here
All we need is a little more hope, a little more joy
All we need is a little more light, a little less weight, a little more freedom.
If we were an army, and if we believed that we were an army
And we believed that everyone was scared like little lost children in their grown up clothes and poses
So we ended up alone here floating through long wasted days, or great tribulations.
While everything felt wrong
Good words, strong words, words that could've moved mountains
Words that no one ever said
We were all waiting to hear those words and no one ever said them
And the tactics never hatched
And the plans were never mapped
And we all learned not to believe
And strange lonesome monsters loafed through the hills wondering why
And it is best to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wonder why
So tangle - oh tangle us up in bright red ribbons!
Let's have a parade
It's been so long since we had a parade, so let's have a parade!
Let's invite all our friends
And all our friends' friends!
Let's promenade down the boulevards with terrific pride and light in our eyes
Twelve feet tall and staggering
Sick with joy with the angels there and light in our eyes
Brothers and sisters, hope still waits in the wings like a bitter spinster
Impatient, lonely and shivering, waiting to build her glorious fires
It's because of our plans man; our beautiful ridiculous plans
Let's launch them like careening jetplanes
Let's crash all our planes in the river
Let's build strange and radiant machines at this jericho waiting to fall"

Love love love love love love.

Although Kent State is known to be an excellent school, there are over 25,000 students-many of them I'm sure are wonderfully interesting, and my education will be a great deal cheaper than any other school....there are still days I feel a great deal of regret.

Not many of my close friends are going to schools other than Kent State or Akron. But, something in the back of my mind tells me I should have visited schools and found my "dream college".

By staying so close to home and even living at home, I feel like I'm not really fully submerging myself into this great new world of COLLEGE.

I have struggled with being independent ever since it began to hit me that my parents couldn't always wipe my ass for me. So much of me saying "But I don't want to [insert some task which may cause humiliation for me or an encounter with some possibly frightening stranger ALONE]"

I wouldn't even use phones for a while because I hated hearing myself awkwardly stumble over the correct wordings of average phrases. I remember, junior year, I began to lose my memory on very common phrases or words for everyday utensils or household items. It was as if I was regressing completely out of fear of moving forward.

As a child I had no fear of practically anything except bolts of lightening or episodes of Unsolved Mysteries. I loved answering the phone and taking messages for my father. I thoroughly enjoyed speaking or singing in front of big groups or people. I would draw a great deal of attention to myself due to my weird sense of humor and my urge to dance all the time.

It's funny, lately I have been starting to feel more like that old self. I guess the more I accept my day to day awkward situations the better I feel. I don't care about the stranger who saw me totally getting into some amaazing song I'm blasting in my car...or maybe the fact I am a huge clutz and I trip and stumble into things daily resulting in constant bruises on my legs.

But, am I really living out my dream by going to a school which doesn't even carry my desired major?

I realize my thoughts are very scattered, but soo much has been trying to process lately. I don't want college to begin because I am somewhat disappointed in myself already due to my poor AP scores. I always say I'll improve my studying skills and nothing happens. Classrooms filled with 150+ students...ugh. I hate feeling like just another random face to a professor. They may never call me Ana..just Anna because I may not get the chance to correct them or they'll forget. What a terribly disgusting feeling.

I want to be able to stand up for myself or go out of my way to make friends with whoever I want without worrying about their response.

Bleghhh. I need to finish my summer reading.

shock me, entertain me, make me laugh, cry, dance, most of all...do it soon.

I don't have a 3 year old to keep my frown upside down 24/7 right now.

I'm ready for something to appear...NOW.

I miss some faces...
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Understanding is the but the sum of our misunderstandings...

"You know what I'd really like to do most right now? Climb up to the top of some high place like the pyramids. The highest place I can find. Where you can see forever. Stand on the very top, look all around the world, see all the scenery, and see with my own eyes what's been lost from the world. I don't know...Maybe I don't want to see that. Maybe I don't want to see anything anymore."

-From Sputnik Sweetheart

"In the world we live in, what we know and what we don't know are like Siamese twins, inseparable, existing in a state of confusion.

Confusion, confusion.

Who can really distinguish between the sea and what's reflected in it? Or tell the difference between the falling rain and loneliness?

Without any fuss, then, I gave up worrying about the difference between knowing and not knowing. That became my point of departure. A terrible place to start, perhaps-but people need a makeshift jumping-off point, right? All of which goes to explain how I started seeing dualisms such as theme and style, object and subject, cause and effect, the joints of my hand and the rest of me, not as black-and-white pairs, but as indistinguishable one from the other. Everything had spilled on the kitchen floor-the salt, pepper, flour, starch. All mixed into one fine blob."
-From Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami

I don't care that I don't have a job or much money yet. I will not regret all the time I have spent with that little bundle of joy.

If only everyone could still see the world with such open and excited eyes. Every day is such a grand new adventure even if we're just walking a block for me to show him how to shoot hoops(which I'm terrible at) and he can pick flowers(weeds :-) ) for Nana.

He tells Mom and I we're pretty every day and wakes me up no later than 8AM to tell me I should be eating breakfast or simply to wish me a good morning and give me a hug.

I have 3 more weeks with him and that's still not enough. I am so proud of my sister for doing such an incredible job with her son and keeping her feet planted firmly as these past 3 years have tried to throw more at her than she should have been able to handle.

I see Grandma shine through him every single day. Mom is sad she can't be here, but really she never misses a second of that little boy's life.

Some days I wish I had a best friend.

I don't know, sometimes dead silence is music to my ears. Hearing crickets chirp is all too cliche for the whole situation, though.

Silence is no longer awkward between any of us. We've covered almost all that is out there so why force ourselves to talk about things which have no importance to us?

2 weeks or so from now I will be sad to see this weight on my head go. No more creepy guys checking me out in the car next to me or across from me in the aisle at Giant Eagle. I will miss the conversations I've had with strangers, really. I wish it occurred more often but I don't know if I can dedicate another 10 hours or so of my life again or find someone who can make them last this long.

2 months shouldn't really be too long. I'll snap my fingers and they'll be back. Also, it'll help me not get distracted in my job-hunting. Yuck, I just can't see myself in it anymore.

I love Noa(h).

I am beginning to tire of hearing the same old phrases from loved ones around me. I bet some are smiling inside because they're proud of me and think I planned to let myself be alone for this long. No, they're not even smiling on the inside. It's pretty damn apparent.

Well, that's great and wonderful that I made you happy, because it hasn't been a fun trail for myself.

There are some days I'm actually happy things have turned out the way they have, especially when I am able to see how unhappy many are with what should be a blessing in their lives. It is, generally, of course, the age we are all at. You don't have to tell me twice or twenty times for that matter that it won't last in high school. I did witness it many times, I completely understand.

This all still does not make me feel any happier. Everyone craves it.

My heart is becoming so lost in my thoughts that I can't even think straight lately. I find myself getting completely covered in feelings I haven't even come near before. I am trying to keep my hope alive for the coming months and next 4 years. I can't deny the fact that I'm scared. It's not a lack of confidence at all. I have every right to set my standards so high, and over the past 4 years they have risen to the point of scaring me into thinking he's just not possible. I accept flaws 100%, I am not shallow. This is not the case.

I have had plenty of time to understand and get to know myself. In fact, I am beginning to worry for some friends who haven't given themself this time. But, maybe I know myself too well. It probably is too well...it would explain a lot about my personality.

As I pick up on all the reasons I am so nervous or uptight, it kills me. What did I do wrong along the way that allowed me to become so stressed? My life is absolutely fine and I know I have accepted that, so what is troubling me?

Aye.

I want to submerge myself in a field of wonderfully rare wildflowers and disappear for at least a week. I anticipate my vacation like mad...just hoping it will be a real vacation unlike two years ago.

If I could just give myself some clear faith that this Fall holds something incredible for me, I will be calm. Okay, I know...brainwash me if you have to. Everyone's already been telling me the same thing.

If only I wasn't so wishy-washy...

signed,
Charlie Brown

In sickness...in health..life's not all so bad.

I love the small percentage of beauty left in the world.

Why do you feel the worst on the days when you have to talk to/entertain a million different people?

All I want to do is be alone today.

I finished high school today. I graduate June 5th. Whatever.

Out of everything this week, I was most excited about getting the Best Hair superlative because I haven't gotten awards since elementary school. That's about it. I can't wait to see Noah.

I miss a lot of things/people right now.

Already tired of it.

Happy Birthday to Mom..I wish I could be spending it with her.

This weekend was so beautiful.

But, in regards to something else, I really wish I hadn't put so much of my emotion into one particular thing. I have never felt so let down. I am so embarrassed for thinking I had it figured out. I really feel like crying, and I'm not sad, I just want to cry.

I have reached such an extremely wonderful peak in 2007 and I am so happy. I want to tell everyone that I am so so happy! Incredible...reaaaallly really incredible. Thank you, everyone. I love you all so much.

Hahaha. I'm so glad I'm almost done with high school. I'm almost embarrassed for you. Almost.

So excited for Friday/Saturday/Sunday/Monday/Tuesday..everyday.

I want to be one of the handful of savants in the world and retain incredible knowledge. I want to experience synesthesia and be directly connected to numbers and feel their shape and colour. I am so amazed.

Leukemia sucks.

It's not fair...I want this happy feeling more often. :-) I like it...our situation is confusing...this year with you has been confusing. But, I still enjoy spending time with you and I think you know that.

Things that used to matter a lot to me don't even phase me anymore. Nothing is a huge loss. I'm happy as long as I am surrounded by generally positive people. I don't enjoy being picked apart, therefore I'm OK with deleting people from my life who cause me pain. I don't fucking care anymore what anyone thinks. If you don't at all enjoy who I am, don't involve me in your life. The end.

Change of plans! But, I'm really happy about it?? Yeah, I really am. This is weird.

It'd surprise you to know which guys really know how to treat me like a lady.

This week brought some of the strangest feelings.

Yesterday, my life decided to pick me up, shake me around, set me down for a moment and then slam me against the wall...only to be picked up and brushed off again.

As I first laid eyes on the car, while everyone was surrounding it, I thought I was being punished. I had enjoyed my day so much. The sun was pouring through the blossoming trees and the weather was just right. Preston was keeping up with me for once and no one was on the trail. I was comfortable enough that I actually began to skip and dance along instead of walk. I embarrassed myself once in front of a few teenagers but as I thought about it, they weren't having nearly as much fun as I was. 'Tis a shame. I came across a lady with a little terrier who was smoking a cigarette and could have chosen to wear clothes which flattered her body a bit better for her age and shape. I let Preston mingle very briefly only because I can't stand the smell. As I walked down off of the trail I was so happy! Ah, what a beautiful hike it had been. I noticed my window was open to my car and thought "That's peculiar, I'd never forget to roll up my window." As I got closer I noticed glass on the ground and some concerned strangers. Lo and behold, someone had shattered my window so they could take off with my purse. First thought "Cruel world."

But, I am so blessed. A man approached me informing me he had already called the police for me as I noticed another car had also been broken into. He tried comforting me as I went into shock. His wife vented about the scum in this world. The poorly dressed woman, her children, husband and dog arrived. Their comments first upset me because they were glad that their own vehicle, parked next to mine, had been spared. Both families began asking me what I had in my purse which would be of value to me. I right away realized I had only 2 dollars and what I wanted back the most were my pictures in my wallet. The wife then told me she and her daughters would search the entire park for my purse because they would have most likely dumped it out on their way out. I felt so violated. The first man let me call my mother. She was upset, but glad I was OK. Mom arrived repeating the phrase 'What scumbags.' Chatter Chatter. The 3 daughters and wife return running with my purse in hand. I hug the daughter and am amazed at how much these complete strangers cared enough to search for this inanimate object for me. All is intact, but no wallet.

The first officer arrives. (Munroe Falls Police) She takes down all of my information and after the first man describes the suspects I recognize one description. It sounds exactly like the same man whose eyes followed me as I was putting down my purse and getting Preston out prior to my hike. Anger. 2nd police officer arrives. They check for finger prints and record them for further investigation. Grawl-I want to help solve the crime! Turns out, there are 2 black males who have been hopping from one metropark to another snatching peoples purses in hopes to find cash or bank cards. Poorly dressed woman and husband talk to me much throughout this entire situation, sharing stories with my mother about being robbed before, etc. The other woman who had her purse stolen arrived much later and she had much more in her purse which really put her in a very screwed position.

After about 2 hours my mom let me take the van home so she could clean out the glass and talk to the officers a bit more. I decided to go to Val's Birthday Party to cheer me up. Right before walking out the door we receive a phone call. It's the park ranger. My wallet was found. By who? None other than the other lady who lost her purse. What's missing? My two measly dollars.

Complete strangers smashed my window assuming I was probably some rich daughter with a fancy car and plenty of credit cards. I hope I pissed them off. I also hope they enjoyed my cinnamon gum that they stole.

Complete strangers went out of their way to call the police for me, comfort me, and search an entire park for my belongings...not to mention stick around much longer than they even needed to.

I hardly ever pray in public, but my first instinct after seeing what happened-I froze, clasped my hands together and looked up, asking for a miracle. I know it's just a small theft but little things mean a lot to me. I didn't stop praying the entire time, between the tears and spitting out my S.S. and correct spelling of my name..yadda yadda.

Damn. I'm impressed.

I feel as if I need to keep myself in check and if I'm not careful, life will throw at me a crazy situation which is fatal to my future. So, just stay on the right path. Embrace life's beauty and be thankful that not all is lost. Even if there are many cruel humans in this world, I learned the good outnumber the bad.

I love you.

I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home...

the good news...my smile isn't hiding anything.

My world has been exploding with beauty and happiness as of late. I couldn't be happier to be around some of the most wonderful people created.

Graduation is nearing...my hair is getting longer...Ms is almost over!!...I'm dancing to Thriller!!!?!...Prom is coming...the flowers are blooming...AP Exams aren't appearing as scary as I thought....my heart is so open and my smile is enormous!

Noah Noah Noah... 29 days.

"I just want to thank you for the look in your eyes, when I see you up there, you are really feeling what you're singing. It's incredible."

"It was so nice to see your face in the choir again."
"Last Sunday, having your voice there, it really made a difference. It was nice to have you back again."
"Ana, I am so glad you're here."
"Ana, we have missed you so much this year, it's not the same without you."

Butter me up, why don't you? :-) I'm back! Thank heavens I'm back and the sun is shining and my life is bright.

I wish I could paint with all the happiness I am feeling/have been feeling in the past 2 weeks. I want to tell the world.

T-minus 32 days. Guaranteed sunshine.

I can name all 50 states,
48 get in the way,
From me being next to you,
If it were up to me,
We'd have everything we need,
You'd have me and i'd have you

Sigh. What would life be without sunny days?

..Not life.

I'm not going to let anyone stand in my way of being happy. So, if you're planning on trying to hurt my feelings, I won't take it.

Also, if I have to, I will fight for what I want.

I have no idea what to expect next. My life has thrown in some really funny/good moments in the past few weeks. I am happy.

OK, OK, OK, okay, okay, okay, ok, ok ok, Ok, Ok, Ok!!

So what? So what?

I'm allowed to smile for whatever reason I want to. :-)

Merry Easter! Sigh, I am such a badass in the kitchen.

Before you left to go away
I wrote down what i couldn't say
I bet you read it on the road
With foggy lights and fingers cold

Now you drove so far but now you know
How rough it is to let me go
And let me recommend that you think twice
And i always give the best advice

Now come on back to where you know i'll be
Lets' go sit under the apple tree
You can floor that thing, let the engine roar
The wheels they'll spin, the rain it pours

There's regret that you feel
About the choice you've made
You'll just have to deal
Before it goes away

You ask me how i feel
And here's what i'll say
I'm doing fine, just fine
I'm doing fine

-Mirah

Last night I had multiple dreams waking up within each other. Each time I woke up I was back in my bed and the nightmare was over. I woke up today, not in my bed, and afraid realizing it all really happened. How embarrassing.

When I returned home, reality wasn't so much of a nightmare anymore. I was able to appreciate every little aspect of my life, every little surrounding, every little thing that puts a smile on my face.

I have never felt so loved in my life. :-) Also, home videos are such happy reminders.

Some days I just feel like I splashed myself in the face with the most cleansing water ever. I am really glad for that. People can really surprise me, in both good and bad ways. (...wow what a really vague general statement..)

I am proud to be who I am. I am 18 years old, clean, and hardly been touched. I'm not alone. How could I have ever felt alone? There are so many others just like me out there who know exactly what it's like to be so clean. Newsflash: It really feels pretty damn good.

I wasn't expecting to have my beliefs challenged so much as of the past few months but it has been a good thing. I am getting a lot more confident and a lot better at defending myself.

Family, you really know me. Whether you be a 2nd cousin, a sister, Preston, or Mom. You know me better than anyone else. :-) Thanks for loving me come rain or come shine.

Friends, thanks for putting up with wishy-washy emotions. Special thanks to friends who are more recent in my life. Wow. You all came at an interesting point. I can't wait for you to see me in a few months. It'll be a whole different story. (I mean that in a really good way..)

I've had a total recalibration of my mind, you know. I mean, it's like, I've been banging my head against this 19th century type, um, what? Thought mode? Construct? Human construct? Well, the wall doesn't exist. It's not there, you know. I mean, they tell you, look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, there is no tunnel. There's just no structure. The underlying order is chaos.

- Slacker

what's a word of truth when you can't be true to anyone or yourself

My routine is still normal, my life keeps moving steadily forward but I'm staying behind. I'm becoming almost fully disconnected from everything and anything that I am..or was. I can't even find reality.

I decided to be spontaneous almost a week ago and finally open my mouth about something on my mind. I can't tell any real difference and the pang is still half there. Take me aside and shake me until I spill it all. Please.

I'm nauseous outside of my bed. I want to compose all of my feelings into one big laundry bag and douse them with gas then set them on fire.

All of my feelings are normal...I'm normal for not knowing what to do.

"The will of human beings meant nothing, then, as the veterinarian always seemed to feel. People were no more than dolls set on tabletops, the springs in their backs wound up tight, dolls set to move in ways they could not choose, moving in directions they could not choose. Nearly all within range of the wind-up bird's cry were ruined, lost. Most of them died, plunging over the edge of the table."
-Haruki Murakami

:-)

brag brag brag

No regrets?

"Anyhow, even though I might go out on a date with a boy, emotionally I just wouldn't be able to concentrate. I'd be smiling and chatting away, and my mind would be floating around somewhere else, like a balloon with a broken string. I'd be thinking about one unrelated thing after another. I don't know, I guess finally I want to be alone a little while longer. And I want to let my thoughts wander freely. In that sense, I guess, I'm probably still 'on the road to recovery'."
-From The Wind Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami

I just happened to glance at the calendar and noted my mom had circled this...

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved~loved for ourselves, or rather, in spite of ourselves."
-Victor Hugo

It couldn't be more fitting for the way this week has worked out. Thank you so much.

Somehow I get the feeling I'm not going to find what I'm looking for in Northeast Ohio...I don't think my future will be in northeast ohio...I don't think I will start a family or make a living here.

I want him to be okay that I do get stressed out over little things sometimes (okay more than sometimes), that I don't plan or want to get drunk in the near future, that I will always want to be a red head, that my family is a really big part of my life, that I brush my teeth a whole heck of a lot, with trying new foods with me, with cooking with me, that I love to dance anywhere and he should want to dance sometimes too, that my sense of humor can sometimes be old-fashioned, also that I am generally old-fashioned, that my personality and experiences often resemble that of Charlie Brown's life, that I hate sleeping in and want to get my day started early, that I despise cigarette smoke and will cough obnoxiously around people who are smoking nearby, that I love the smell of a pipe, that I hate snow and being out in it, that I love being outside during any other season so I want to go on picnics and walk my dog in parks, that the only thing I can draw are flowers, that I hate dead baby jokes and joking around about death, that I get sad when people compliment me like crazy when I have straight hair, that I will never use a tanning bed or worry about being tan, that I sometimes get lost in the buzz of the world, that I have a terrible short term memory and need reminded to do things, that I am a Christian but I don't go to church every Sunday and only read the bible once every 6 months, that I want to be financially stable enough to travel fairly often, that I hate talking on the phone, that I can't always complete my sentences because my thoughts get interrupted...
...and that I am asking for a hell of a lot....whoever he'll be.

Sure it's easy for anyone to tell me to "be patient", but I've been waiting my whole life for that one moment. With good reason I'm antsy!

I sure would like to be at the right place at the right time for once.

"I'm tired of looking at this!"

Everyday it improves, but I am still crossing my fingers that it'll just flat out disappear so we all can move past this terribly painful situation.

The knot in my stomach would vanish if I could just stand up and stop sugarcoating everything. I have so much to tell you. For one thing, you could have changed a part of me forever, but how am I to get through to you?

I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

yes yes, I like the way things are going.

I'm ultra-excited for the summer. I love family. I love friends. I love being able to breaaathe.

I've felt awfully ornery lately.

Approach with caution. Heart could open at any moment.

In other news: badass! I like me.

yippity-do

Mmm! Life is so refreshing!

I slept in my room in my bed for the first time since probably before thanksgiving last night. Wow. I woke up with a whole new perspective on a lot of things. Today has been a good day. Tomorrow will be a good day and so will the day after that. Why? Because I said so. No one is going to make me into something I'm not and no one will make me go against my own feelings. Agreed.

I love you all. The end.

I slept for zero hours last night and had more energy than I've had in months. My dad came home with a gaping head wound today. I made dark chocolate peanut butter cookies. Saffron has been trying to reproduce with Preston. (they're both of the male gender) There are a lot of other things that are going on that I'm not going to use my blog for. But, I am still a definite pedophile.

...and proud!

best email I've ever received

dear brave, talented, gifted, adventurous, beautiful cook Ana,

o my gosh!!! these pictures look sooooo authentic!!! like the ones that
would be on a cook-book or something...so neat and clean...it just looks
perfect!!!

wow!!! you are so brave to try to cook all the food that you mentioned. i
have never been brave enough to make chicken tikka masala coz i am
scared i will mess it up. but man, you are so brave! i have never made
palak paneer either. i had tried to make gajar ka halwa once when i was
in nepal and it turned out to be a disaster and nobody ate it :(

i am so proud of you. you must be an amazingly brave and most wonderfully
gifted cook. i personally believe that if you can make chicken tikka
masala, there's nothing else in the world you can't do!!! Go, conquer
the world!!! BRAVO!!!

Subu

I don't want to preach or anything, but seriously, food is the best medicine for anything be it physical and especially mental.

Oh yeah, and friends. :-)

...Sigh. I can't wait for '08. Stay strong.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." -Holden Caulfield

Why, hello winter! How nice of you to finally drop in.

I finally decided what I want to major in.....
I want to be a meteorologist! I have loved weather my whole life and I just now realized this? Wow. I realized how much Social Work would tear me apart and now my eyes are wide open to this idea. I couldn't be more excited.


...but no schools offer it aside from big schools such as The Ohio State University. Yuck. We'll see.

"Eleven o'clock had come and gone. I had to find a way to bring this conversation to a successful conclusion and get out of there. But before I could say anything, she suddenly asked me to hold her.
'Why?' I asked, caught off guard.
'To charge my batteries,' she said.
'Charge your batteries?'
'My body has run out of electricity. I haven't been able to sleep for days now. The minute I get to sleep I wake up, and then I can't get back to sleep. I can't think. When I get like that, somebody has to charge my batteries. Otherwise, I can't go on living. It's true."
-The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by: Haruki Murakami

For the absolute first time in my life, I said I hated someone and I MEANT it..I still mean it, too.

Baaahh

There is no substance in everyday life unless it has my favorite elements. Without these elements my world just melts into a viscous pile of disgusting. I don't even feel like explaining myself to everyone anymore.

I can't expect people to just automatically understand me, though. It's so extremely selfish of me.

The sooner I am out of here, the happier I will be.

The more I am around my favorite elements, I have faith I will survive these dreadful days.

In other news, STOP it. I get the picture!-things aren't the way I wish they were. I don't understand why I must be tortured through this.

I think the acoustics may have gotten better inside of these walls, or maybe it had been selective hearing. It's really hard to tell. Often times people have to witness something first hand to really understand how someone else is feeling about a situation.

Stop...Focus. Stare straight ahead and narrow in on one object for x amount of time.

Can I do it? Right now-no.

I can't wait to have my life returned to me.

I also wish I'd stop running into certain people wherever I go....broken record.

And then, I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw both within and externally.

Gahh. Every freaking time I turn around-there it is. Go away.

Week of January 21st-Be gone!

Blaaaaaaaahh craziest weekend of my entire senior year is THIS weekend.

I don't like you, disgusting school. I don't like your academics, your people, you lack of cleanliness, the way each room is a different temperature, the lighting of your AP Gov class, or the way I've seen you more than enough in the past few months.

Yuck!! Also, some people make me positively nauseous. Bad elements. You can't stand it when you don't get their attention, can you? Well too bad, you can't own a person.

In other news..this summer-extensions!

I can't sit here and pretend that you don't light up my entire world as of lately.

Blech. I was hoping that ache would go away by now. You've just made it about 500 times harder.

I was so close.

Counting my blessings is probably my best option right now.

You might think it's amusing or funny...

But, I don't. I'm not laughing at all on the inside anymore.

"Just watch it unravel..."-mom

Inhale...hold, 1, 2, 3....Exhale...

Communication. Talk talk talk talk talk...don't always bite your tongue. Take time out of your day/week(depending on your amount of free time) to make people aware of what's going on in your life.

Repeat your breathing...

Well, ouch, this is hard. In the past 2 weeks I have been watching the Ms set come together so quickly. It didn't hit me until tonight just how amazing I feel about it all. Wow. In the words of Shawn; "Hell yeah!". I did not think I would be talking so highly of it or feeling so proud of myself. If this group can take myself, someone with almost zero dance experience and make me look decent...wow. In regards to all of this, I had to make a tough decision....

Originally Kyle Auckland and I had made Tara and Shawn aware that we would be missing our second competition on March 24th. I obviously was going to be missing this competition because of choir tour. But...

Yeah, I have been weighing things out a lot and I just don't know what I would regret more. I really really adore our YF program at church, but I have been thoroughly disappointed with the choir. There is such a lack of discipline this year and such a surplus of 7th graders. I haven't even been able to be as committed as I would have liked to have been. I used to complain about people like myself. I hated when people who never showed up until a few weeks before tour because of "M&Ms" decided they still had to go. I don't want to "be that guy". I also have zero interest in the music this year and feel like when I am there I have to destroy my voice to be of any help. Brian doesn't want me there because he'll "miss" me. He wants my voice. I want to stay committed to the youth group, but I don't know if I can be to the choir. Aaron, I know you probably read this, and I love what you do for this group. I apologize to you that I haven't been exactly as faithful as I would have liked to have been this year. I do plan on sticking around as much as I can next year just to hear what you have to say. So, what I am basically saying is that I decided I'm not going on choir tour this year.

We are only doing 2 competitions aside from the Classic and for me to put already so much time into this group, why miss a competition? I talked it over with my mom, and she has put it all in my hands. (which is nice)

I am aware that this is my senior year and it is my last chance to do all of these things yadda yadda yaddaa aaaaah...hold the press! Relax. Life will go on.

Anyway, I'm doing alright today. (if you were wondering...) It's nice to be talking with someone again...even if it's a slow process.

Oh seester, I sure do loooove you

I miss you, E.

I couldn't tell you why I do the things that I do. But, why should I have to explain?

Oops. Nothing goes the way we wish it would.

Blind. Absolutely blindfolded or was it really my vision? No. I was blindfolded. I took the blindfold off and I was so aggravated. All of these years were wasted on silly attempts. What I confused as being a serious cry for help was simply a cry for attention. I kept blaming myself because I couldn't see what was going on. I thought it had to do with the whole fact I was born. It's a good thing I found the tie around the back of my head so I could see clearly for once.

But, what now? Apparently my voice is really muffled inside these walls. Is it the acoustics or is it selective hearing? Hm. Well, once my voice is audible, let me know. There's some pretty important things I've been trying to make these confines aware of.

Could you hand me that clean sheet of paper over there?...

I stepped back and tried to marvel, but I'm struggling with it. I only enjoy it temporarily.

I want to restore that old emotion. It never really has even become "old". It just never likes to visit for more than a moment. I can't even find the right threads to mend this. It's such a shame. The beauty is disintegrating all around me.

So, I haven't been able to get my puzzle pieces even remotely in order. I keep trying to even just find all of the edge pieces or the solid colour ones and they keep getting flipped over or stepped on and I have to start over. I have been sitting here for the past few days trying to do it on my own until finally I admitted that I had a dilemma. Wow, what a relief to get if off my chest. Once I let one person in, I was able to let more. Now, my puzzle is a little over half way done and the lesson is obviously that I couldn't get it done on my own.

Maybe I wasn't quite ready to go cold turkey on this independent idea. Don't bottle!

I wish you were invisible.....






..actually..I just wish you'd apologize so I'd stop hurting.

"I'm just mad about saffron, saffron's mad about me..."

Our newest addition to the Sigler family...Saffron. We were told he was part golden retriever part dachshund and instantly I said "Yeeeeees"

"I was lost, but now I am found."

I can't even write on here what is going through my head. Abby knows a bit about it. :-) I feel so guilty...but I am allowed to do as I please. Ah, the beauty of the single life. I never seem to appreciate it enough.

I love these people in my life. I love connecting with people in a way I have never connected before. I can sit around with my hair an absolute disaster, my face breaking out, my head lost, and my heart destroyed and not be judged. This is the most comforting feeling ever...but I am almost not sure if I was ready to feel it?

This bridge is a lot harder to climb than I had expected. I can't wait to get over it so I don't have to see you every time I turn around anymore.

Why am I so scared of living?

"Is it possible, finally, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?"

Yesterday, I woke up to the clearest skies-both literally and figuratively! (Is that some sort of oxymoron??)

My eyes, head, ears, and senses in general all opened up. I felt so awake and ready to take on life. (my absolute favorite feeling, of course!) I was so driven that I made myself a purse in a very short amount of time. I have a feeling I was getting a little crazy by the end though.

To people who have caused me grief in the past 2 weeks, I thank you! You see, I would not be appreciating things so much right now if it weren't for you people who treated me like shit or lied to me. :-)

To one person in particular, have a blast. You went the complete opposite way in your decision. I thought you were more mature than that. We'll see how long it lasts.

I am feeling whole! Happy New Year, indeed.

Amen!!!!